It’s hard not to notice that X-Men antagonist Magneto checks off a lot of my boxes for the perfect partner. Sure, he turns his considerable passion to committing acts of terrorism with his mutant ability to control metal, but at least he’s not terminally chill. One look at Magneto’s standard “purple cape and helmet” look is all it takes to know he’s just as gleefully into drama as I am, and one look at the Brotherhood of Evil Mutants proves he’s got strongly held ideals when it comes to minority rights—a must for dating in 2017.
Most importantly, he’s Jewish! So I’ve found myself daydreaming quite a bit about my dream Jewish wedding to this classic comic book character. Even in a fantasy, though, Magneto’s unique personality means the wedding can’t be totally perfect. Here are some of our compromises:
1. We planned a lovely ceremony on the beach. It had to be moved indoors at the last minute due to the fearsome wrath of Namor, the Sub-Mariner.
2. I had a long discussion with my mother about whether to use a chuppah with four posts or a standing trellis; Magneto overheard us and insisted he’d just float a wrought-iron grate above our heads with his mutant powers.
3. Our wedding website had to be on the darknet, because that’s the only way you can put weapons of mass destruction on your registry.
4. We sent in an announcement to the newspaper that they promised to run, but J. Jonah Jameson bumped it when he got some new pictures of Spider-Man.
5. I actually considered taking my husband’s name, but gave it up when I couldn’t figure out which one.
6. It would have been embarrassing if the cops had been called on my fiancé’s bachelor party. It was humiliating when UN peacekeeping troops were called.
7. The marriage had to be delayed due to a multi-year Supreme Court case over whether a baker can refuse to make a cake for a mutant supervillain wedding.
8. Magneto’s son Quicksilver can literally run around the world in the blink of an eye. He was still an hour late to our rehearsal dinner.
9. I spent weeks searching for the perfect bridal gown and finally spent $1600 on a gorgeous white dress that I was sure would turn heads. Magneto wore the same cheap purple cape he wears every day and all eyes were on him
10. I thought it would be sweet to make the groom’s daughter a bridesmaid, but Scarlet Witch scared my flower girl so badly she bolted during the ceremony.
11. Magneto got into a heated argument with the rabbi over whether he could have Emma Frost witness our ketubah remotely via telepathy. It pushed our ceremony back half an hour and ended up being moot since she isn’t even Jewish.
12. Turns out bobby pins don’t actually do much to keep a beautiful hand-crocheted kippah on top of a shiny metal anti-telepathy helmet.
13. Magneto romantically lifted my veil to symbolically confirm his bride’s identity—and then called for a blood test to make sure I wasn’t actually Mystique in disguise.
14. We had engraved prayer books made with our names as guest gifts. Magneto had the printers put a radical mutant rights manifesto on the inside cover.
15. It’s always a beautiful moment when the groom breaks the glass. Less beautiful when force of habit kicks in and he gets carried away and starts breaking everything.
16. Most of the guests throwing candy were loved ones and supporters. Some of them were mutant-hating Sentinel robots and actually trying to bruise.
17. In retrospect, having Toad blow bubbles as we left the ceremony was just asking for trouble. Very disgusting trouble.
18. We debated over whether to invite Charles Xavier but finally went for it. He sent very polite regrets, and then quite literally crashed the reception by slamming his wheelchair into our sundae bar.
19. Several people gave beautiful toasts and mentioned Magneto’s beloved children. Every last one of them forgot to include Lorna Dane.
20. Metal folding chairs seemed like a great cheap option for the reception! And they were, until the hora, when my new husband used his powers to lift our chairs to the ceiling and brought along anyone who happened to be sitting.
21. We planned a beautiful honeymoon on Magneto’s secret base Asteroid M; we got the news that the Fantastic Four had exploded it before the reception was over.
22. A group of my relatives were stopped at the airport, held for hours, and questioned by federal agents. Apparently it didn’t look good that they had all written $18 checks to a known mutant terrorist.
23. At the end of the day, I ended up married to a Holocaust survivor and former resident of Israel, which made my grandparents proud enough to overlook the whole “crimes against humanity” thing. Apparently when it comes to nice Jewish boys, two out of three ain’t bad.