Hello men on dating apps, here are 25 questions for you:

1. Why do you lie on your profile?

2. Why do you opt not to list your education or career?

3. Why do you bother having a profile with one or no pictures?

4. Why do you have a picture of you holding a fish?

zach efron fish

5. Are you all really spider killers?

6. Why do you list your height, then get mad that you listed it? Eg: 6’0 BECAUSE APPARENTLY THAT MATTERS

7. Relatedly, why do you say you are three inches (hard-and-fast-rule) taller than you really are and think I won’t notice?

8. Why do you all have pictures of you playing golf like I’m supposed to be impressed you have the most boring and time-consuming hobby?

golfing dog

9. Do you all really equally enjoy going out and staying in? Are you the perfect person?

10. Why are all your pictures selfies; do you have no friends to take those for you?

11. And also, why are your selfies taken in the bathroom? Toilets are not sexy.

12. Why do you send pictures of your penis, especially when it’s really not that impressive?

dick pic amy schumer

13. Why do you think it’s okay to invite me over to your house before we’ve even met? Do you think I’m trying to get murdered?

14. Do you really want to know what I’m wearing? A grey sweat suit.

15. Why do you ask to make dinner plans, but then never make dinner plans?

16. Do you go to the gym just to take pictures of yourself at the gym, because I don’t think you’re using the gym properly?

broad city trainer

17. Does ghosting feel good?

18. Why do you not proofread your profile?

19. Do you really believe you’re such a prize that I need to “impress” you or earn your affections?

20. Is the best description you can come up with for yourself an evolution of what cities you’ve lived in?

21. Do you really feel strongly that the first things you need to know about me are my sexual preferences?

mind your own biscuits

22. Would you talk to me in person the way you do via app or does your phone make you feel invincible?

23. Why is your “About Me” not a description of who you are, but instead a list of what you expect me to be?

24. Why do you talk to me like you’re “the bad guy” in a Lifetime movie?

25. Would you kiss your mother with that mouth?

filthy mouth

Jamie Bliss

Jamie Bliss writes ad copy by day, improvises by night, and is pursuing a post-grad certificate in creative writing. She lives with her cat in Chicago.