The holiday season is upon us, which means many fun, festive things. Most of all, though, it means this: The Hallmark Christmas movie marathon is upon us, and there is nothing we can do to stop its mighty force.
I am endlessly fascinated by Hallmark Christmas movies for so many reasons — it feels like they’ve gotten all the actors from the same storage unit, there is always a blonde woman with an artistic side, and every town only has white people and a startling amount of Christmas decorations absolutely everywhere.
But what about Hanukkah? It is extremely clear that none of the characters in these movies have ever met someone Jewish, and if they did, they simply would not know what to do with themselves. However, Hallmark has just announced that they will be making two Hanukkah movies to premiere next year, which is huge for the network and for all of us that are like, “I just want to watch a movie about two hot Jews falling in love while Klezmer music plays in the background and the oil from latkes on the stove permeates their hair and general vicinity.” So, without further ado, here are some of my Hanukkah movie plot suggestions for the Hallmark Channel to premiere next holiday season:
So Many Men(orahs)
Alana Weiss, a photojournalist, is a workaholic who hates Hanukkah. So, when she finds herself stuck in a one-horse town during a blizzard while trying to get to a bigger and cooler town for an assignment, what ever will she do? Good thing the town is known for its Hanukkah festivities, which, did I mention, is a holiday she hates?! Watch Alana as she takes refuge in the one hotel in town (The Light Inn) and meets the colorful cast of characters that live in Aravah Oak. (The quirky townspeople of Aravah Oak are all men, and they are all named Josh.)
A young woman, Rachel Rosenberg, is next in line to run her family’s bed & breakfast — The Rosenberg Inn. But what happens when Avi, a beautiful and smoking hot tourist with a bad boy past, comes to stay at the inn while doing research for a news piece (he’s a journalist) on Rachel’s little town? The answer is that Rachel will inevitably fall for him, and him her, but due to the beta nature of Jewish men because of the matriarchal culture Judaism follows, he’ll let her get on with her work and promise to take her out after the craziness of the holiday season dies down. Did I mention she’s also a photographer?
My Date With a Latke
What happens when a photographer and part-time dollhouse furniture designer Emma Lazer finds herself stuck in a latke factory on the eve of the first night of Hanukkah? While strolling through the long, empty, sterile floors of that delicious potato factory, she runs into Justin, a latke that’s been living in the factory alone. He says he prefers isolation, as “hell is other people.” Emma realizes that, no, Justin is not mysterious. He is just an asshole, and she should’ve gone to Boca with the rest of her family for the holidays instead of trying to work.
A Mother’s Gelt
In A Mother’s Gelt, Mirit, a no-nonsense photographer and bakery owner, finds herself back in her mother’s house just in time for Hanukkah. The only daughter not married, it is ~completely a coincidence~ when, during their annual Hanukkah party, Mirit’s childhood friend Max shows up. Furious at her mother for trying to meddle in her dating life, Mirit angrily storms out to the yard with some sufganiyot and an entire bottle of champagne. Max comes out to try and reason with her, as her mother is “going to die soon, and she wants to be able to dance at your wedding” which lasts for the entire length of the film.
Hanukkah with Hallie
Hallie Wahl, a single mother, homemade soap-maker, and photographer, is just trying to pull off a perfect Hanukkah for her moody preteen, Josh, since his father moved across the country to shack up with a hot blonde yoga instructor. But what happens when the new next-door neighbor Jake, who is also a single father of a moody preteen named Amanda, has no one to spend the holiday with? Hanukkah with Hallie tells the tale of found families, teens who will eventually fall in love even though they will probably become stepsiblings a la Clueless, and one of those menorahs that symbolizes the tree of life.