I am writing this on November 5, 2020 in the United States of America. We do not know who our next president will be. We do not know what our democracy will look like. All we know is that Hanukkah starts at sundown on Thursday, December 10 this year and buying dumb things just to make yourself feel better isn’t, like, the worst self-care plan.
And so, allow me to dive into all that the internet has to offer and find you the perfect Hanukkah items that are just as deranged as you currently feel. Go forth and shop, my friends — consumerism is truly all we have — and know that no matter what happens, Hanukkah will be here soon enough.
Beeswax Menorah (Etsy, $26.99)
Do I like this menorah because it reminds me of spaghetti? Obviously. It also solves the problem of trying to shove those cheap supermarket candles into the little menorah holes without breaking them and in turn having a breakdown yourself because you just ruined your last blue candle and it’s totally throwing off your whole color scheme and you just wanted one perfect photo for insta and now the whole holiday’s ruined.
Light-Up Menorah Sweater (Etsy, $65)
Look at this man standing in an open field with his arms outstretched to reveal the full breadth of his menorah sweater. Look at the smile on his face, the shakas forming with each hand. Look at the battery-operated LED lights sitting atop his shoulders and arms. As Emily M. wrote on her Etsy review, “I would give it EIGHT stars if I could!” Tell me you do not want to do anything it takes to achieve this look, to possibly even become this man.
Dreidel Jewel Pops (Amazon, $7.99)
Okay wow, did you all know they make a dreidel version of ring pops?! They come in a bag of 18 (nice), are blue raspberry flavored, and are certified kosher, natch. Also! The bag is labeled “Dreidel Jewel Pop” which means you could grab a permanent marker, cross out the last two letters of jewel, and just have fun with it, ya know?
Custom Hanukkah Pajamas (Etsy, $40)
If you could put anyone’s face on a pair of Hanukkah pajamas, who would you choose? This is now the question that will keep me up at night for the rest of my life. I could put my own face on my Hanukkah pajamas and walk around like a narcissistic Hanukkah monster. I could put, like, my grandma’s face on my Hanukkah pajamas? I could put Jake Gyllenhaal’s face on my Hanukkah pajamas! I can order multiple pairs and choose many faces to put on my Hanukkah pajamas. I CAN HAVE IT ALL!
Latke Catnip Toy (Etsy, $9)
I don’t have a cat. I’ll never have a cat. I’m really fucking allergic to cats. But after stumbling upon these latke cat toys, I guess I’m getting a cat? Or I am purchasing cat toys for myself, because there’s no way I’m just gonna go on living my life, knowing full well that handmade latke-shape felt blobs exist but not owning any myself. Look, they’re topped with applesauce and sour cream. They’re filled with crinkly material. I am a cat person now. I am a cat.
Stained Glass Oy (Etsy, $30)
One of the more endearing Hanukkah traditions is to put your lit-up menorah in front of a window so that any passersby will know that a Jew lives in there, unafraid to do their Jew thing, candles burning bright through the darkness of night and all that. But like, you could also achieve the same effect by hanging a stained glass “Oy” in your window. And I think you should. (Can also be purchased directly here.)
Well-Dressed Animal Hanukkah Cards (Etsy, $3+)
Why do each and every one of these Hanukkah animals have better style than me? Why am I now going to base my entire wardrobe off of this Jewish raccoon’s old timey frock? Why is the dinosaur dressed exactly like my dad dressed throughout most of the ’90s? Does the flamingo clasp her pearl necklace behind her neck or sort of slide the whole thing over her beak? Are they all friends? Am I now friends with them? When is Hanukkah again?
Latke Mouse (Etsy, $40)
And so we end on latke mouse. I needed to end on latke mouse because once I discovered latke mouse I did indeed cease to exist. The deranged cuteness of latke mouse forced me to leave my human shell and now I am writing this from a mythical land populated only by tiny latke mice with little blue yarmulkes and latkes the size of their entire body. Made of wool, glass eyes, and horsehair whiskers and standing proudly at 6 inches tall, I implore each and every one of you still on our humble Earth to click on the Etsy link and scroll through every picture of latke mouse in there. You will experience a joy unlike any you’ve experienced. You too will ascend to the heavenly land of latke mice. (See also: sufganiyot mouse.)
Update, 11/9/20: I have heard from Annie, the woman who runs the Etsy shop Cactusologie that is responsible for Latke Mouse, and she wanted to let readers know she’s making made-to-order requests for Latke Mouse and Sufganiyot Mouse as quickly as she can. She’s also taking made-to-order requests for her Llamakkuh and Hanukkah Snowman couple embracing, and for my Passover products which include Matzah Mouse and Moses the Mouse. You know what to do. (We love you, Annie.)