Hanukkah is here! That means eight nights of lighting the menorah, eating fried foods, and everybody’s favorite thing, presents!!! While a nice pair of socks or cozy jammies are great, and nobody will turn down some pretty jewelry, that’s not what most Jewish women really want this Festival of Lights. So Hanukkah Harry, if you’re out there, please add the following to your list:
1. Access to affordable birth control!
You know what was fun? When Obamacare ensured that women could get free and affordable birth control. I still remember the first time I went to CVS to pick up my refill and the cost came across the screen: $0.00. What a steal! But now, under the Trump administration’s new policies, virtually any employer can claim a religious or moral objection to covering birth control through their employees’ health insurance. Because who needs family planning? Actually, us.
2. Equal pay!
Merriam-Webster’s word of the year might be “feminism,” but don’t tell that to the folks who continually determine that women don’t actually deserve equal pay. The Washington Post recently did the math and figured out that essentially, women work for free 10 weeks out of every year when compared to their male counterparts. So I say we either demand equal pay or demand 10 weeks paid vacation and all convene on an island with no men, k?
3. No more sexual harassment in the work place (or anywhere)!
If this year has taught us anything, it’s that what women have been saying all along is true: Sexual harassment and abuse is wildly rampant in our society and has effected nearly every single woman in one way or another. How nice would it be to be gifted a world where everyone understands the difference between “flirting” and “harassment,” where nobody fears they will lose their job if they speak out against work place abuse, and we can watch movies and not worry which actor has made other people’s lives a living hell?!
4. The end to anti-Semitic trolls on social media (and, you know, everywhere)!
It can be hard out there for a Jewish gal to tweet. The rise of anti-Semitism in general, and certain people’s failure to denounce it as Capital W Wrong, has meant more than ever the trolliest of trolls are coming out of the woodwork to torment folks online. Just ask Julia Ioffe, a Jewish journalist who received such gems as a “Back to the Future” poster doctored to read “Back to the Oven” among thousands of other taunts and threats. If people could just not do that, that’d be great, thanks.
5. Pads and tampons in every bathroom!
You know what’s a basic bodily function that most women have to deal with on a semi-regular basis? Periods! And you know what we often need to deal with said periods? Pads and tampons! Wouldn’t it be nice if all public restrooms could provide these sanitary products the same way they do toilet paper and hand towels? The folks behind Free The Tampons certainly agree. This would also be a huge boon to homeless women who desperately need access to such products. Happy Hanukkah to all!
6. More women elected to office!
This would be the gift that keeps on giving and probably the easiest way to ensure all the other items on this list actually happen. Even Obama agrees!
7. Better Hanukkah stuff!
Okay this one isn’t nearly as high priority as everything else but the current selection of Hanukkah products is a real scourge and frankly, we deserve better.
And last but certainly not least:
8. A new president.
This one seems broken; was there a gift receipt?