The air is getting crisper and the days are getting shorter. Any day now, leaves will start to dry out into a warm orangey-brown and float down towards the grass. Halter tops will soon be replaced with long sleeves, flip flops for boots and jean shorts for corduroys. Summer is just about over. It’s nearly time, once again, for Christian Girl Autumn.
*Record scratch.*
Unless, of course, you’re Jewish. For those of us confused Jews who are vaguely aware of Christian Girl Autumn, but are perplexed by what those words in that order mean, Hey Alma is here to help. We’ve compiled a very serious, not silly at all FAQ about this viral internet moment that is coming back into season.
Frequently asked questions about Christian Girl Autumn:
Q: What is Christian Girl Autumn?
A: Christian Girl Autumn is an annual celebration of chunky sweaters, crunchy leaves, cozy flannels, Starbucks coffee flavors and Halloween movies. There’s nothing outwardly offensive about Christian Girl Autumn, but that doesn’t mean you can’t still feel weird about it as a treat.
Q: How did Christian Girl Autumn start?
A: Many credit X user Blizzy McGuire and influencer Caitlin Covington with starting this trend. However, the first mention of Christian Girl Autumn was recorded in the epistles of Kayleigh, Patron Saint of Using Bible Verses in Instagram Captions.
Q: Who is Christian Girl Autumn for?
A: Theoretically, anyone. But that’s how they get you.
Q: How does one celebrate Christian Girl Autumn?
A: Step one: Do a photoshoot in a pile of colorful leaves. Step two: Light a cinnamon candle and snuggle under a fuzzy blanket. Step three: Accuse the Jews of making Pumpkin Spice Lattes with the blood of Christian children.
Q: Why is it called Christian Girl Autumn?
A: Because Judeo-Christian Girl Autumn is a myth.
Q: When does Christian Girl Autumn start?
A: It begins every fall after the first ember-colored leaf falls to the ground. This honors the day, thousands of years ago, when a Middle Eastern Jewish man named Jesus of Nazareth took off his tallit and put on an ostentatious infinity scarf.
Q: Is there a Jewish equivalent to Christian Girl Autumn?
A: Christian girls WISH their autumn included shaking the lulav and etrog.
Q: Is Christian Girl Autumn happening this year?
A: Yes. In spite of Caitlin Covington’s tearful bait-and-switch, we still live in a hegemonic Christian society.
Q: Are there other seasonal Christian trends I should be aware of?
A: Cultural Appropriation Seder Spring.
