A Hamantaschen Flavor Ranking That Will Probably Make You Mad

Fight me!

Hamantaschen are some seriously mean cookies. Whether you interpret them as representing Haman’s pockets, ears or hat, these triangular desserts exist for the sole purpose of mocking the villain of the Purim story. (Though some argue a lesser accepted theory that hamantaschen are supposed to represent something else…) According to Jewish law, our people are forbidden from lashon hara or saying harmful things against others. But I guess when you try to murder us en masse like Haman (boo!) did, all that goes out the window and we shame you for eternity via pastry.

So, when Hey Alma editor Molly Tolsky asked me to write a hamantaschen ranking for Purim, I decided that it only made sense to do so in the spirit of hamantaschen. That is to say, I have some strong feelings about this cookie and I’m going to be ill-tempered about it because I don’t care what you think! (In reality, I’m a chronic people pleaser but for the purpose of this article pretend that I absolutely do not care about your feelings.)

Please enjoy — or seethe over — my ranking of 13 popular hamantaschen flavors.

13. Apple pie

You might think apple pie is a comforting, patriotic flavor for hamantaschen. You would be wrong. Even though the saying goes “American as apple pie,” apple pie actually originated in England. You know what else originated in England? The antisemitic blood libel.

12. PB&J

What are we? Children? Absolutely not.

11. S’mores

See note above.

10. Cherry

Don’t get me wrong, I love cherries. But there’s something unappealing about the round cherry preserves peaking out through the folds of the hamantaschen dough. What secrets are they hiding in there? It’s deeply concerning.

9. Prune

I have never eaten a prune and I simply refuse to until I am a withered crone of 150 years. Then, I will refuse to eat anything but. Until that time, prune is at #9.

8. Apricot

Apricot is a traditional hamantaschen flavor and that earns it some points. But apricot jam is not my… jam. Apricots are best when they are dried into those gorgeous yonic little ovals. I will die on that hill.

7. A slice of pizza

No, I’m not talking about pizza hamantaschen. I’m here to make the argument that a slice of pizza is already a hamantasch. Think about it. A slice of pizza 1) is triangular 2) has a dough base and 3) its layers of cheese and sauce are akin to filling.

That said, pizza can be hit or miss. So a slice of pizza has earned a spot in the middle of the pack.

6. Halva

I’ve never actually tried halva hamantaschen. But it gets points for halva’s unique flavor profile and bringing Middle Eastern influence to this Ashkenazi pastry.

5. Date

Date hamantaschen is what prune hamantaschen wishes it could be.

4. Strawberry

Strawberry jam is objectively appealing but incredibly basic. It’s the Taylor Swift filling of hamantaschen.

3. Poppyseed

Are poppyseed hamantaschen, the most traditional of all the hamantaschen flavors, delicious? Absolutely. But there’s no way to eat one without looking like a flea circus has taken up residence in between your teeth. Until such time as poppyseed technology improves, the poppyseed hamantasch is at #3.

2. Nutella/chocolate

Chocolate is good. Sorry!

1. Raspberry

Raspberry checks all the boxes for me. It’s a traditional hamantaschen flavor that’s tasty, not too basic, a beautiful color and won’t get stuck in your teeth. Raspberry is the best hamantaschen flavor in the world — fight me!

Evelyn Frick

Evelyn Frick (she/they) is a writer and associate editor at Hey Alma. She graduated from Vassar College in 2019 with a Bachelor of Arts in English Literature. In her spare time, she's a comedian and contributor for Reductress and The Onion.

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