Let’s have a conclave.
Thanks to the Oscar-winning movie “Conclave,” in which Ralph Fiennes, Stanley Tucci and Isabella Rossellini wade through scandal, politics and controversy to elect a new Pope, the real-life death of Pope Francis and selection of a new pope for the Roman Catholic Church has turned into a pop culture moment. The conclave started earlier today and Pope Crave, a spin-off of social media page Pop Crave, is already sharing updates from the Vatican. Users on TikTok are creating fancams of “papabile,” potential Popes. And memes online abound.
So… I guess I have to learn about Catholicism and conclave and the Pope to stay relevant now? Oy.
Conclave and the Catholic Church itself is suffused with plenty of complex ritual and mystique for those who have accepted Jesus Christ as their Lord and Savior — let alone for us Jews who are not interested in reading your pamphlet about being saved, thank you very much.
That’s why I have put together a very helpful, not silly at all FAQ about the 2025 papal conclave for those of us Jews who are as deeply pop culture-obsessed as we are confused right now.
Frequently asked questions about the papal conclave:
Q: Who is the Pope?
A: In Catholic tradition, he is the voice of God on Earth. He wears a different silly hat than our silly hat.
Q: Why does the Roman Catholic Church have a Pope?
A: To provide Catholics with definitive answers about the world… unlike some other religions we know.
Q: Have you heard the one about the rabbi and the priest?
A: This is not the time nor place for jokes.
Q: Who is allowed to be Pope?
A: You technically don’t need to be a Cardinal to be Pope. Anyone who is Catholic, has been baptized and is a stone cold fox is eligible.
Q: So… can a Jew be Pope?
A: Joking aside, I think technically yes? Someone who has Jewish ancestry but has been baptized and is a practicing Catholic could, in theory, become Pope. And considering the Catholic Church’s past history of forcibly converting a Jewish child who then became a Priest — we’re still waiting on an apology for that one, Catholic Church — it’s not totally out of the question.
Q: Has a Jew been Pope?
A: Joking once again aside, I think, the answer is also technically yes? St. Peter is treated at the first Pope, and before Peter was Peter he was Shimon Bar Yonah. Obviously he converted to Christianity and was an apostle of Jesus. But I think that still counts.
There’s also a legend of a Jewish pope named Andreas, but it has no historical basis.
Q: What happens to the Popemobile when the Pope dies?
A: Drawing on the Jewish tradition of burying old books, old popemobiles are buried. When cardinals visit these gravesites, they leave smaller Popemobiles on top of the headstone.
Q: Who are potential candidates to be named the next Pope at the 2025 papal conclave?
A: Cardinal Matteo Zuppi (Archbishop of Bologna), Cardinal Pietro Parolin, Cardinal Luis Antonio Gokim Tagle, Cardinal Pierbattista Pizzaballa (Latin Patriarch of Jerusalem), Cardinal Robert Francis Prevost, Cardinal Péter Erdő (Archbishop of Budapest) and Jack Schlossberg (Patron Saint of Cashews).
Q: How is the Pope elected?
A: The College of Cardinals are sequestered inside the Sistine Chapel to vote. Once one person receives over a two-thirds majority on a ballot, the Dean of the College of Cardinals hands the pope-elect a crumpled piece of notebook paper and a gel pen that says “Will you be my Pope? Circle yes or no,” Jewish summer camp-style.
Q: What do the different colored smokes mean?
A: After each round of voting, the ballots are burned. White smoke, or fumata bianca, indicates that a new pope has been chosen. Black smoke, or fumata nera, means “We are out of toilet paper.”
Q: Will the selection of the new Pope have any affect on Jews getting our menorah from the temple back?
A: Girl, be for real.
