So, you’re trying to enjoy Netflix’s insanely popular Adam Sandler movie “You Are So Not Invited to My Bat Mitzvah,” except there’s one tiny problem: You’re not Jewish and everything is really confusing. In search of answers, you may have Googled things like “what is haftarah?” and “why Jewish tiny hats?” or just “JEWS????”
Welcome! This is a safe space.
It’s important to recognize when we need more information, so give yourself a pat on the back! (Give yourself an even bigger pat on the back if you didn’t bombard your one Jewish friend/person you vaguely know with all the questions you have.) Below are some frequently asked questions you may have about Jewish culture and/or this movie.
General Judaism FAQ:
What is a bat mitzvah?
A ceremony on the random day God decides you are a woman.
What is a bat mitzvah dress?
The very important dress you wear to the ceremony on the random day God decides you are a woman. A bat mitzvah dress is a cousin to the confirmation dress, except it doesn’t have to make you look like a child bride.
What is a mitzvah project?
A social justice project you have to complete (to make your parents happy) before the ceremony on the random day God decides you are a woman.
What is a bat mitzvah theme?
The theme of the party you have on the same day as the ceremony on the random day God decides you are a woman. Some common bat mitzvah themes include Watch Me Sing a Broadway Song, two colors (one of them is teal), giving children an unwise amount of candy and Judaism.
What is challah?
A delicious cloud (solid).
What is the haftarah?
Literally don’t even worry about it.
What is Hebrew?
Hebrew is always the language of the Jews, and is sometimes the language of people who like to get misspelled tattoos. Pro-tip! If you want to know if someone speaks Hebrew, do not ask: “Do you speak Jewish?” The answer to that riddle is always no.
What is a Hebrew name?
This is the name Jewish kids are called at synagogue or in their Jewish community. Some are beautiful (ex. Chava) and some are ugly (ex. Shlomo).
What is matzah ball soup?
A delicious cloud (liquid).
What is a Purim pageant?
A re-enactment of the Purim story typically performed by either small children or adults in drag. It is one of the least serious things one can do.
What is a rabbi?
A Jewish spiritual leader — having an eligible son isn’t a requirement for rabbis, but it is encouraged.
What is the Torah?
A big, beautiful, very droppable scroll that under no circumstances should you drop like it’s hot.
What is the Red Sea?
A body of water Rudy Giuliani thinks has parted a bunch of times.
Who is Queen Esther?
A Persian Jewish baddie.
What is a yarmulke?
Also known as a kippah, this is a tiny circular hat that often perfectly covers up a giant bald spot. Very convenient, no?
“You Are So Not Invited to My Bat Mitzvah” FAQ:
Who is Andy Goldfarb?
The question isn’t so much who is Andy Goldfarb as it is what is Andy Goldfarb. Andy Goldfarb is every cool Jewish boy at Hebrew school who will never notice you in a million years. Every young Jewish person has an Andy Goldfarb in their life.
Do all bat mitzvahs have to have a mojito bar?
Yes! This tradition is based on Exodus 41:1, a parable in which God commands the Israelites to enjoy a cold, refreshing mojito.
What is a Haim?
A Haim is a very hot, smart and impressive young Jewish woman. Example: A Haim served as the co-composer for “You Are So Not Invited to My Bat Mitzvah.”
A Haim is also an ancient Hebraic unit of measurement, probably.
What does “Homeboy getting his groove on with the foxy Bathsheba” mean?
Homeboy = King David
Foxy Bathsheba = foxy Bathsheba
Getting his groove on = Spotting her bathing on a rooftop, discovering that she is the wife of a loyal soldier, summoning her to have sex anyway, getting her pregnant, setting up her husband to be killed in battle and then marrying her.
Duh.
Why do Stacy and Andy kiss in front of the Torah?
Maybe they’re horny for Judaism, ever thought about that?!
Do all rabbis have maracas?
No, but they should.
Do all rabbis have treadmills?
See above.
Why is that Israeli DJ wearing a wig under a helmet?
Frankly, this is one of those things that Judaism has no answer for.
For any other queries you might have on Judaism, please refer to My Jewish Learning.
