Hello and welcome back to Hey Alma’s advice column on all things Jewish life — check out what our Instagram audience had to say about this week’s issue, read on for advice from our resident deputy managing editor/bossy Capricorn Jew, and submit your own dilemmas anonymously here.
Hey, Hey Alma,
My beloved grandmother died earlier this year. We had a very special bond (I even lived with her for two years) and she was one of the most important people in my life. Since she died I knew that I’d want to name my daughter after her one day, and that I’d want to use her exact name. I’m not pregnant — not close, I don’t even have a boyfriend right now. My sister, however, is, and she’s expecting a girl this January. She has talked about how she loves the Ashkenazi tradition of naming babies after departed family members, and I am kind of freaking out that she’s going to give her daughter my grandmother’s name. My sister was close with her too, but not in the same way I was. Is there a way to ask her not to use her name so that I can use it one day, whenever that day may come?
OK, before we get into my advice, I want to say two things.
I’m so sorry about your grandmother; may her memory be a blessing.
And I’m so happy for your sister — I’m too superstitious to say “mazel tov” when someone is pregnant, but I hope everything goes smoothly through the rest of her pregnancy and that your family can delight in a new birth in the new year!
Life cycles are such an intense and integral part of being an embodied soul, and they bring up really huge feelings — so let’s get into your question!
These Things Are True
Your sister is allowed to give her child any name she wants.
You can be disappointed if your sister names her child the name you had your heart set on.
It’s not really possible to “reserve” a name for a potential future child.
If you eventually have a child with a partner, that person will have some say in the name you choose, and they may not want to name the kid after your grandmother.
You may change your mind about using the name.
Your sister may not use the name.
At the end of the day, a new baby is a blessing, and (in my opinion) it’s not worth letting your feelings about the name cloud what is otherwise truly just a very joyful thing to happen to your family.
With that said, there are two practical options here. You can either talk to your sister about how you’re feeling (with the understanding that she ultimately can name her child whatever she and her partner choose) or you can keep your feelings to yourself. Let’s break down what each of these paths would look like.
If You Choose To Talk To Your Sister
This feels really dependent on the kind of relationship you and your sister have. If you aren’t that close, I would honestly not suggest this route. It’s unlikely someone who you don’t already have a meaningful relationship with will be able to hear you on such a huge topic that is charged with big emotions for you and for her, and I don’t think the almost guaranteed fight (or at best, mild argument) that would come from it would be worth it or really achieve the objective you’re hoping for.
But if you and your sister are really close and have a history of being able to have challenging conversations and really hear each other through those hard times, I think you could bring it up. If you do go this route, the number one caveat is you have to understand that in the end, your sister can do what she wants. Do not embark on this conversation if you cannot accept that!
If you can honestly say to yourself that you’re just sharing your feelings and can accept that there is no guarantee it will change anything, here’s a script you could use:
“I’m so excited about the baby — I can’t wait to be an aunt! I have to admit though, I’m feeling sort of sad to think that you might use our grandmother’s name. Since she died, I’ve hoped to use her name for my future child. Are you planning to use her name? I understand it’s your decision with your partner — it’s just been a really big thought in my head and since we share everything, I wanted to talk about it with you.”
If You Choose To Keep Your Feelings To Yourself
To be honest, I think this is the move. As I addressed in the above section, multiple things are true here, and that’s OK. Your feelings are super valid. But the truth is, when it comes to this particular life event… your sister is the main character. She is growing a whole new human life inside her body at this very moment! It’s possible that she’ll be able to hold space for your feelings, but it also would be totally reasonable for her to be consumed with the excitement, anxiety and simple enormity that comes with preparing to be a first-time parent. It’s not really her job to manage other people’s emotions about her baby right now. I think there’s a higher possibility of this conversation going poorly, and potentially marring what could otherwise be a really beautiful time of connection for your family, especially after such a big loss.
I also want to gently point out that as of right now, you actually have no idea what your sister is planning to name her future child! You don’t say in your letter that she’s committed to this name, only that you’re worried she may use it. There are so many ways to follow the Ashkenazi tradition of naming a baby after a departed family member: Hebrew names, middle names, names that are similar but not identical… it does feel a little bit like you’re worrying about something that isn’t necessarily going to come to fruition in the way you expect.
And for what it’s worth, you could also change your mind over time! A very important note is that when you eventually do have a baby, if you do so with a partner you’ll have to (and hopefully will want to!) include their perspective on the matter! They may not want to name your hypothetical future baby after your grandmother, and that will be a much more important conversation for you to have than a potential one with your sister. Alternatively, you may simply change your mind. I do understand your worry, but I also just want to show you the ways in which it’s really about something that could change and mutate drastically over the years, and that can be a helpful way to frame exactly how pressing it is.
Finally: When I say “keeping your feelings to yourself,” I don’t mean you have to bottle them up! You can journal about them, talk to a therapist about them or share them with a TIGHT-LIPPED RELIABLE friend who will DEFINITELY NOT GOSSIP ABOUT IT WITH YOUR SISTER OR ANYONE IN YOUR FAMILY. Your feelings really are OK to have — I just personally don’t think it’s fair to burden your sister with them.
Food for Thought about Jewish Naming Practices
When a question is particularly thought-provoking for me, I like to bring it up with my colleagues so we can all benefit from the vast wisdom that exists amongst so many smart, kind, compassionate Jews! Much of the advice I shared above is inspired by the office conversation we had about this question, and a few interesting tidbits about Jewish naming practices came up too, so I thought I’d share those as well, in case it helps soothe you or others with similar dilemmas.
Sephardi Jews often name after a (living) relative multiple times as a sign of respect.
There’s no limit for the amount of times you can name a baby after a single person, even in the Ashkenazi tradition.
“Reserving” a name can be thought of as bad karma or inviting the evil eye onto your future child.
Other ways of naming a baby after a loved one can include finding a different name with similar meaning, or choosing a name that you think represents the spirit of your loved one.
So! Much to consider! To conclude: If it was me, I would not approach my sibling about this. If you do approach her, remember that ultimately she has the right to name her baby whatever she wants and your job as a supportive sibling is to honor that. And finally, as one co-worker offered: “God willing you will have as many children as you want one day, but of course there are no guarantees… Should you not have children, that would deprive your grandmother of the honor you feel she deserves. Think instead of two babies named after your beloved grandmother as multiplying the kavod and joy!”
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