The best news to come out of 2017 is finally here: Drake turned 31 and threw himself a “re-bar mitzvah” party. Because 31 is the opposite of 13. Get it? Do you get it???
I am so ferklempt, I don’t know where to begin.
How about with the sign-in board, which Drake seems to have exhumed from his original bar mitzvah, replete with images of baby Drake (baby Drake!!!) and ample “mazel tov’s,” “xoxo’s,” and smiley faces:
Now let’s move onto the snacks, the key ingredient of any good bar mitzvah bash. Custom-made Papi’s Pizzeria boxes, featuring, again, baby Drake, offered as the main course:
Notice the custom made red Solo cups as well. Page Six reports Drake was presented with 31 bottles of Perrier-Jouët champagne—not too shabby. It also reports that guests “noshed on Dippin’ Dots.” I’d like to point out that Dippin’ Dots were also featured at another very special bat mitzvah back in 1999—mine—so I can only assume he read the recap of my over-the-top bat mitzvah published on this very site for the inspiration.
Let’s move onto the guest list, shall we? Like all bar mitzvahs of all time, Drake seems to have surrounded himself with cute old Jews:
Sure, attendees also included A-listers such as Leonardo DiCaprio, Jamie Foxx, Tobey Maguire, Lamar Odom, and Kelly Rowland, according to Page Six. And on Drake’s Instagram can be found a photo of Benjamin Kapelushnik, aka Benjamin Kickz, a 17-year-old who used his bar mitzvah money to start a rare sneaker empire. Yes, this is real life.
Fashion winner of the night definitely goes to Drake’s father, Dennis Graham, who sported a sparkly blue blazer with matching sparkly blue loafers:
Now join in me in a collective awwwwwww over this, the greatest father-son photo ever taken:
ALSO OH MY GOD THEY DID A DUET!!!!!
There you have it, folks. Nothing better will happen this year so soak it up. And while you’re at it, check out this video we made in honor of Drake’s one and only true love: his Jewish mama. Mazel tov, Aubrey, xoxo.