Mazels are in order! Goop queen and actress Gwyneth Paltrow has announced her engagement to Brad Falchuk, television writer, director, producer, and NJB (nice Jewish boy, duh). The couple met during Paltrow’s guest stint on Glee, which Falchuk co-created, and have been dating for over three years.

💍

A post shared by Gwyneth Paltrow (@gwynethpaltrow) on


While we can’t be certain where, when, or what the celebration of their conscious coupling will look like (Gwynnie is not responding to my media requests for some reason!!!), I think it’s fair to speculate that their wedding might have a Jewish touch. After all, Paltrow is Jewish, as is her husband-to-be — in fact, Falchuk’s mother Nancy is the former president of Hadassah, a Jewish women’s organization.

So while we eagerly wait for more details to unfold, I’m going to go ahead and dream of all the Jewiest, goopiest possibilities:

1. A chuppah made of smudge sticks

Goop is all about getting rid of bad vibes with the power of smudging. In this sacred ritual, you light a smudge stick, which is a bundle of dried herbs such as sage or cedar, and waft the smoke in a particular area to get that good ju-ju going. In a traditional Jewish wedding, a bridal canopy known as the chuppah is meant to sanctify the space below while also just looking real pretty. Just imagine a chuppah made of smudge sticks that the just-married bride and groom can light on fire after the ceremony!

2. Breaking of the crystal

Jewish weddings famously end with the breaking of the glass, a tradition in which the groom stomps on a glass to symbolize a whole bunch of things like the fragility of human relationships and the breaking of the hymen (really). Goop is a big fan of seeking out the transformational powers of crystals, even offering its own starter pack, so I’m here to say I would like to see someone try to stomp on a crystal.

3. L’chaim over Moon Juice

According to Goop, moon juice is magic. “Like, real magic.” Even though I just read four different articles about it, I’m still not so certain what, besides magic, moon juice actually is, but I know Gwyneth Paltrow loves it and it is supposed to be very healing and so I’m guessing they’ll swap out the Manischewitz for a nice glass of moon juice to toast the happy couple.

4. A steam mikveh

Some Jewish women visit the mikveh, or ritual bath, before they get married. This is meant to mark the transition from being single to being married, and involves taking a dunk while completely naked. I have no idea if this tradition is up Gwyneth’s alley, but I do know she’s quite fond of vaginal steaming. “It is an energetic release — not just a steam douche — that balances female hormone levels,” she writes. Sounds like just the thing you need before a wedding!

5. Psychic vampire repellant

Okay you caught me, this has nothing to do with anything Jewish. I just wanted the excuse of writing about how Goop is selling psychic vampire repellant. For real.

tenenbaums

In all seriousness, I’m wishing the best for Gywneth and Brad, who seem to be really in love and love is beautiful and all that jazz. And they’ve even found a way to include Gwyn’s ex, Chris Martin, in the love, as seen in this Instagram post which also includes a tub of Israeli chocolate spread:

Sunday brunch #modernfamily

A post shared by Gwyneth Paltrow (@gwynethpaltrow) on

Mazel tov, you crazy goops!

Top image via Flickr

Molly Tolsky

Molly Tolsky is the editor of Alma.

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