Few things in this world give me as much joy as Jewish holiday decor mishaps. I’ll never forget the thrill of discovering an absolutely haunted hooded blanket from Target’s 2021 Hanukkah collection or the superiority of seeing Bed Bath & Beyond’s pillow which reads “Why Is This Night Different From All Other Nights? Happy Hanukkah.” The 2022 Target lion menorah is still legendary in my household for its shocking resemblance to a phallus, making the incredibly difficult 360 revolution of being so bad that it’s camp and so camp that it’s actually good. Honestly, even Dollar Tree’s entirely plain white Hanukkah section makes me feel giddy.
Well folks, it gives me great pleasure to say that right now I feel thrilled, superior and giddy. Thanks to Shannon Sarna, former editor of our partner site The Nosher, I’ve seen the next greatest (or should I say worst?) Jewish holiday item that is currently available for purchase.
May I present to you: The Flaming Penises Passover Table Runner
aka The Jeff Bezos’ Penis Rocket Passover Table Runner
aka Happy Traditional Jewish Passover Table Runner 14×60 Inches Non Slip Kitchen Dining Table Runners Tapestry Gifts Decoration for Home Party Wedding
So, obviously, I know the design is supposed to be hands holding a giant candle — any Passover seder is incomplete without hands holding a giant candle! But they really do like flaming penises. What’s that? You want a close-up of the flaming penises? Here you go:
Like you, I have many, many questions about this Passover table runner. Here’s a sampling of them, in no particular order:
1. FLAMING PENISES?!!
2. Seriously, who approved this design? Who looked at this table runner and thought “You know what the seder table is missing? Flaming penises.”
3. Was this image made by a person or by AI? If it’s the latter (which I suspect), we need to shut that shit down ASAP.
4. Are the birds and olive branches supposed to be a random reference to Noah and the Ark? And if so, why the Passover and Noah’s Ark crossover? This is the Torah, not the Law & Order franchise.
5. If we were to hypothetically add flaming penises to the Passover seder ritual, what would they symbolize? The pain of having to perform circumcisions in the desert for 40 years?
6. Or would the flaming penises be a secret 11th plague situation?
7. Why is this Amazon store also marketing this as a Christmas item??!!
8. Does anyone else get Christian vibes from the hands?
9. Speaking of Christianity, this one is more of a statement than a question: Please, please let someone have bought this ridiculous garbage for their Christian seder.
10. It costs $21.99?????????????
11. Who had the idea to add the red tassels? I actually like those. They’re a nice touch.
12. Is the flaming penis Passover table runner kosher?
13. Do I have to make an obligatory burning bush joke right now?
And last, but certainly not least:
14. If you try to perform a Passover seder with this on your table, will God smite you?
