Hello and welcome back to Hey Alma’s advice column on all things Jewish life. Read on for advice from our resident deputy editor/bossy Capricorn Jew, and submit your own dilemmas anonymously here.
Hey, Hey Alma,
Any advice on how to better incorporate my non-Jewish spouse into Jewish holidays and celebrations, especially with the High Holidays coming up?
She’s agnostic but happy to support and join in my Jewish cultural practices, but I’m struggling to easily bring her in without giving her the whole Megillah.
— Interfaith Incorporations
I love this question so much. Over the years, I’ve brought so many non-Jewish friends and loves into my Jewish holiday celebrations, and I find that the Jewish New Year is actually a particularly wonderful moment to introduce our traditions to others.
I also just love how willing your non-Jewish spouse is to celebrate your culture and religion with you, and how open and flexible you sound about how you wish to share it with her. 10/10, no notes on this question.
So let me offer up some suggestions that hopefully do your query justice!
Stick with your traditions and rituals
It sounds like your spouse doesn’t necessarily have her own strong connection to God or religion, but she wants to support you in yours. So let her! You don’t have to explain the entire history of the Jews to someone to bring them along to synagogue (though maybe give her a heads up about what is appropriate to wear, and how many times you’ll be sitting/standing throughout the whole thing; oh, and also maybe mention the parts where we kiss the prayer book and/or the Torah, lol) and they don’t have to understand everything that happens there in order to feel included or close to you.
If your High Holiday practice includes services, bring her. If you’re more invested in the large familial meal, cook and host with her. If you have a personal ritual you do every Rosh Hashanah, explain the significance behind it and invite her to join you. It feels very overwhelming to, like, Explain All Of Judaism to another person (even if they’re also Jewish, tbh!), so remove that stress from yourself. Your spouse doesn’t want a 101 college class or “the whole Megillah” — she just wants to support you in something you find meaningful. That framing will hopefully take some of the pressure away.
Get in the kitchen
Not to generalize, but for so many of us, the Jewish holidays represent a time of food, cooking and eating together. If that’s true for you, invite your spouse into the kitchen. It’s a place she’s already familiar with (it’s yours, after all) and again, if she wants to support you in what you find meaningful, it might be nice to spend some time just the two of you creating some culinary magic and talking about why these recipes and traditions are meaningful for you.
Challah baking is always a great way to introduce someone to Judaism. Many people (at least in North America) are familiar with focusing on apples and other fall harvest produce this time of year anyway, so it’s possible your bubbe’s apple cake will strike a chord with your spouse even before she learns of its Jewish origins.
Host (or attend) a gathering
Again, for many Jews, hosting a meal for the High Holidays can be just as (or sometimes more) important as attending services. If you decide to host, this is a great way for you and your spouse to feel like a “we,” a joint force that is going to do something together to celebrate Rosh Hashanah, Yom Kippur break fast or Sukkot.
If your spouse enjoys hosting, this could be a real time for her to shine. Explain which traditional foods or rituals are important to you in a gathering, and then let her take some ownership on other aspects of the get together. If she’s not comfortable hosting but you are, this could be a moment for you to orchestrate the Jewish holiday exactly how you imagine it — I can’t think of a better way to share your cultural traditions than to literally show your spouse what that looks like in your own home.
If neither of you are the hosting type, it can be fun to attend a gathering together instead. Similarly to hosting, your spouse will get to see what Jewish rituals look like in practice, and will be around other Jews who can share their perspectives, too.
Ask her what she’s most interested in
My favorite thing about this question is your spouse’s enthusiasm about sharing your Jewish practices with you. Because she’s already expressed interest, you can let her take the lead here, too — ask her what she’s most interested in. Presumably, since you’re married, she’s already witnessed you practicing Judaism in the way that is meaningful to you for at least a little while. Our religion favors questions and questioning, so start there. Ask her what she’s noticed that resonates with her, or what she has curiosities about. See if there’s a part of your cultural practice that already looks interesting to her. Invite her to ask for clarification as you dive into this together. She doesn’t need to know all the rules or all the meaning to begin participating. She just needs to know that your door is open if she wants to learn more.
I’m wishing both of you a round, sweet New Jewish Year.
