Get your Prada, hoodie and “Fuck you” flip-flops from the cleaners, because there’s a sequel to “The Social Network” coming, you pretentious douchebag! (If you have no idea what I’m referencing, watch this, and I deeply apologize for calling you a pretentious douchebag.)
On Wednesday, Deadline reported that Aaron Sorkin is working on “The Social Network Part II.” While the original film chronicles the rise of Jewish tech giant Mark Zuckerberg’s (Jesse Eisenberg) The Facebook (later just Facebook) and the lawsuit filed against him by co-founder Eduardo Saverin (Andrew Garfield), “Part II” is reportedly “not a straight sequel but rather a follow-up.”
Apparently, the focus will be based on “The Facebook Files.” For those, like me, who have never heard of this, “The Facebook Files” is a Wall Street Journal investigative series from journalist Jeff Horwitz which gives a look inside Facebook and how the social media platform has played a role in spreading misinformation, human trafficking, worsening the mental health of teens and suppressing political movements. Sorkin was inspired to focus on this angle following the January 6 insurrection, which he has said he believes Facebook played a role to make happen.
OK, but hear me out: What about a follow-up which centers on Facebook CEO the Zuck and all the weirdo shit he’s done in the last 15 years?
Of course, in order to make that happen, Jewish actor Jesse Eisenberg would have to sign on to the project, which as of yet, he seemingly has not. In the event he does, even for just a short cameo, I have a few requirements. Specifically, about the ways in which Eisenberg can really embody the Zuck.
Who am I to make these requests? Well, my credentials are as follows: I saw “The Social Network” in theaters when I was an eighth grader because even then I was a connoisseur of the Sorkin school of tight dialogue and David Fincher’s grasp on the human psyche. Sure, Facebook was also my entire life when I was bat mitzvah age but that has nothing to do with it. I’ve also interviewed Jesse Eisenberg and he said I did a good job. (It’s not included in the final interview, but I swear he said it.) So I think I just really get him, you know?
So, without further ado, here’s how Jesse Eisenberg can go full method acting to portray Mark Zuckerberg in “The Social Network Part II,” if he chooses to do so:
1. Get a chain. Any gold chain will do, really. The goal is to make yourself look not just like the leader of an evil tech empire, but rather, a totally chill guy who also happens to be the leader of an evil tech empire.
2. Lean into your curly hair routine, king, and get tan. Oh, and a giant t-shirt. For the last year, Mark Zuckerberg has been channeling what I call “Lil Dicky just got back from adult Jewish summer camp” and you should, too.
4. Try going by your own catchy mononym based on your last name. The Berg has a nice ring to it.
5. Learn how to surf, apply way too much sunscreen on your face and recreate that spooky photo of Zuckerberg surfing in Hawaii. Sure, Jesse has been the subject of his own meme (shout out to Abraham). But I think something very telling happened in the Zuck’s psyche after this incident and I need you to figure out what it is (a la “The Rehearsal”).
6. Get a big ass statue of your wife. Make sure it’s as haunted as possible.
7. Form a rap super group with T-Pain (maybe call it E-Pain) and release a cover of “Get Low.” But instead of rapping it, bravely ask the question: What if Debbie Friedman sang “Get Low”?
8. Spend way too much time in a virtual reality simulation where your avatar looks like a demon twink. (No offense intended to Mr. Zuckerberg. Demon twinks can be very popular. Think Cole Escola!)
Through all of these ideas, Jesse Eisenberg could pull off playing mid-career Mark Zuckerberg perfectly. Though, I do have one final requirement for Jesse, though this one is mainly just for me: Please, please, please convince Aaron Sorkin to write Andrew Garfield into the sequel.
