I remember exactly where I was when I first read Cosmopolitan.com’s Hanukkah sex position article: in the library, procrastinating studying for finals. I mean, how could I forget? It’s the most iconic — and seriously heteronormative — take on the Festival of Lights the internet has to offer.
Cosmo published Jill Hamilton’s “8 Hanukkah Sex Positions to Burn Your Oil All Night Long” nearly three years ago to the day. And frankly, I don’t think it’s gotten the attention it deserves. So, in an effort to make Hanukkah sex positions great again, I selflessly volunteered to test them out.
If you want to join me in eight nights of celebratory holiday sex — disclaimer: I banged them all out on the first night — here’s the list of supplies you’ll need:
1. A Nice Jewish Boy (NJB)
2. Hanukkah candles
3. Lube. Lots of lube.
4. Vibrating (or regular) butt plug
6. A chair
7. Sex playlist
Not optional: condoms!
Okay, now to the good stuff. For the sake of holiday content, here’s my official review of Cosmo’s Hanukkah sex positions:
1. Gelt It On
As per Hamilton’s suggestions, I gave my NJB a couple pieces of gelt to “buy” sexual acts from me. His first purchase? A blowjob. Typical.
If I’m being honest — which, I always am — I wasn’t a huge fan of this one. Maybe if the gelt had actual monetary value it would’ve been more exciting. Thank u, next.
2. Macc(abee) Out Session
It’s back to the basics with this one. To “capture the intensity and intimacy of early relationship makeout sessions,” I straddled my NJB on a chair, stuck my tongue down his throat, and pulled his hair while I grinded against him.
I wasn’t quite sure how to echo “the movements of your hips with your mouth” but based on my NJB’s reaction, I nailed it.
“It was hot,” he said, when I asked for a review. It certainly was.
3. The Miracle of the Oil
“Slide against each other and have him enter you in missionary position with your legs pressed tightly together.”
Instead of the suggested massage oil, we lathered our bodies in lube. While I lay on the bed like a pencil, my NJB tried to enter me. It was a valiant effort, but it just wasn’t going to happen. Accepting defeat, he propped my legs on his chest and jack hammered away. The lube felt amazing nonetheless (we used K-Y Warming Jelly, which felt appropriate) so if the suggested position doesn’t work for you either, just switch it up.
A side note about lube: A silly stigma surrounds lube because uneducated people think it’s just for old, dried up prunes. They couldn’t be more wrong! Lube makes everything infinitely better, for sexually active people of all ages. It comes especially in handy when you’re suffering from dry mouth and need to give a knockout blowjob to a NJB who paid you in gelt.
4. Festival of Butts
This position weirdly didn’t have a title, so I gave it the best one I could think of. Festival of Butts takes doggy-style to “a whole new level of hotness” with a vibrating butt plug. I didn’t have one of those, so I substituted it with the super cute, heart shaped butt plug I bought at the Sex Expo a couple years ago.
While lacking the essential Hanukkah pun name, this was one of my favorite positions. The butt plug helps tighten the vaginal canal, which increased pleasure for both of us. My NJB added a little hair pulling and ass slapping, which made for a few miraculous moments.
5. Get Lit
“Blindfold your lover, lie them down, and ravish them with unpredictable pleasure/pain of hot, slowly dripping wax.”
Hamilton also left out a name for this position. Granted, the connection to Hanukkah is much clearer here than in “Festival of Butts,” but given that the entire article rested on holiday puns, I think the missing title was just lazy.
Like my NJB, I was a wax virgin, so I understood his hesitation. After blocking his vision with a makeshift blindfold (we used a scarf), I lit a Hanukkah candle. Sensing his nerves, I went down on my NJB which instantly made him more comfortable. After a few minutes, I scratched his torso and let a drop of wax fall onto his hairy chest. To my surprise, he hardly flinched! A second drop landed on a swirl of hair. Two drops was enough, I thought. I released him from his duties and took off the blindfold, which prompted him to put it on me.
6. Latke, but Don’t Touch
Ah, mutual masturbation. In theory, it’s super hot. I mean, watching my NJB getting off to watching me get off was super hot. But when he finished before me, I felt so much pressure to orgasm in a reasonable time that I inadvertently created a mental block that kept me from that mind-blowing O I so craved.
If what happened to me is relatable, I suggest using a vibrator. Specifically, the Womanizer. The sex toy basically feels like a tongue flicking your clit, and it’s notorious for helping me achieve orgasm in less than three minutes.
7. Rock(ing Chair) of Ages
This sex position is an ode to “Maoz Tzur,” the song of the Maccabees’ fight for freedom that calls on God to “wreak vengeance on enemies of the Jews,” which is pretty badass. Too bad this position only works for the cartoons in Hamilton’s piece that demonstrate how to do it.
I directed my NJB to sit in a chair while I attempted to do a backbend bridge. Once I was positioned, he tried to enter me while sitting, but of course, that didn’t work. We managed to get the tip in, but 10 seconds later (it felt like an eternity) my arms collapsed.
“Well, we tried it,” my NJB said.
8. Spin His Dreidel
This is the first sex position in Hamilton’s piece and I believe it’s a wasted opportunity. Instead of 69ing with a standard blowjob and “dreidel inspired twists,” I should’ve been the dreidel that spins on his penis. So, we rebelled against this one, much like the Maccabees who rebelled against Antiochus IV Epiphanes and his kingdom.
Post sex, my NJB rented the movie adaption of his favorite childhood book, Heshel and the Hanukkah Goblins. We didn’t light the menorah for the first night of Hanukkah, but I like to think the movie and sex positions were tribute enough. And even though Hamilton foolishly excluded jelly donuts from her iconic article, I’ve gotta say, I owe her for a Hanukkah I’ll never forget.
Header image via Giphy