Hello and welcome back to Hey Alma’s advice column on all things Jewish life. Read on for advice from our resident deputy managing editor/bossy Capricorn Jew, and submit your own dilemmas anonymously here.
Hey, Hey Alma,
I work in a town with a small Jewish community and I am one of a handful of Jewish teachers at the high school. A few years ago the town had a major antisemitic incident at the high school which most people have moved on from, but it sometimes hangs in the back of my mind. Although there is a small Jewish population, Christmas is definitely the dominate holiday and I feel like I often need to remind co-workers and students that not everyone celebrates it.
Each year in December the town newspaper publishes a feature called “Eight Lights” around the town and highlights people who are important to the community. I love the idea; the only thing that makes me a little uncomfortable is they publish a menorah next to the picture of each “light” but the people receiving the recognition are not Jewish. Is this appropriation and something I can be justified to question, or I am just sensitive based on what happened in the past and the fact that everything else in the town is dominated by Christmas? Thoughts?
— Musing About Menorahs in the Media
Hi there, Musing.
This question really called to me because you’re not really asking what you should do — you’re more sort of asking what I think, and maybe a little bit wanting to nail down what you should think. This seems incredibly Jewish, and I love it. So let’s get into this situation — what should you feel about the menorah graphics next to non-Jewish people in your town’s newspaper?
I bet you can already guess where I’m going to start with this: I can’t tell you how to feel! No one can. And, any feelings that come up for you around this are 100% valid. You definitely feel a little uncomfortable about this — you say so in your letter — but then you follow up by asking if you can be justified in questioning it or if you’re just being too sensitive. As both a lifelong Very Sensitive Person and Lover of Therapy, I will say there is no point in judging yourself for your feelings. You’re going to feel them no matter what — may as well lean in! The best thing to do with a feeling is feel it.
Let me reflect back to you what I read in your letter: You feel uncomfortable that your town, which is predominantly filled with non-Jewish citizens, is vaguely nodding toward a Jewish holiday during this very Christmas-centric time of year, but instead of actually highlighting cool things people in the small Jewish community are doing, they’re just… highlighting non-Jewish people instead! It doesn’t matter if this is right or wrong, or what I think about it (spoiler: I think it’s kinda weird). You feel uncomfortable with this! You know this. So like I said: Feel those feelings!
Another reason I really liked the way you framed your original question is because often when we feel uncomfortable, we actually do find ourselves wanting to do something about it. By not mentioning a desire to take any action, I get the feeling that you actually are OK with just untangling your emotions right now. Not to get too Therapy Focused (jk, I’m always Too Therapy Focused), but I also want to point out the difference between Thoughts and Feelings here. You seem called to the analytical side of things (I get it, hard same) but our feelings are actually often quite separate from our analytical brains. What would happen if you just let yourself feel this discomfort? Don’t try to analyze it, don’t question if you’re allowed to feel this, don’t wander toward any solutions, don’t do any “brain” work. Just feel. Figure out where in your body this feeling exists. Sit with it. Linger in it. You feel uncomfortable. Feel it.
Based on the context of your letter, I’m going to guess that your feelings of discomfort don’t just stem from the (mis?)use of these menorahs in the local newspaper. If there was a major antisemitic incident at your place of work that the rest of your community has brushed aside and moved on from, it makes sense that you’d feel out of place, uncomfortable and possibly even unsafe in your town. At best, you probably don’t feel very supported. When we have really robust systems of support, it’s easier to let microaggressions roll off our backs. But when our guards are already up, when we don’t have systemic support and when we don’t feel seen or heard or respected, everything hurts.
In the grand scheme of things, this newspaper column is sort of… whatever. Yeah, I do think it’s really weird to make a Hanukkah-focused column that has nothing to do with Jewish people. That’s just an odd choice. I have questions. (Is the editor who created this column Jewish? Do the people at the paper understand what a menorah is and which holiday it’s used for? Is this like a ClipArt graphic or something cuter…? I digress.) But what I really see when I read this letter is not just discomfort with this bizarre graphic design choice — I see pain and loneliness.
So while you didn’t ask for any specific advice about what to do about this situation, I do have some. Once you’ve felt your feelings, I think you should try to bolster your Jewish community. If there’s a synagogue you feel comfortable attending or joining, make it a priority to do so. If you have some Jewish friends who you can share Shabbat with, invite them over and then keep the tradition going. If you’re someone who is good at texting, gather some Jewish friends in a group text and hang out together there — share memes, vent about the town newspaper and make it a point to show up for each other when things are legitimately challenging (like when you’re still reeling from an antisemitic event that everyone around you has moved on from). You could write a Hey Alma classified if you’re looking for your people. You could plug into the small Jewish community that already exists in your town, or if you’re up for it, you could create something new yourself, large or small.
No matter what, I think it’s really important for you to create your own light this Hanukkah season and beyond.
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