Hello and welcome back to Hey Alma’s advice column on all things Jewish life. Read on for advice from our resident deputy editor/bossy Capricorn Jew, and submit your own dilemmas anonymously here.
Hey, Hey Alma,
My mom is the kind of liberal culturally Jewish mother who loves to talk intimacy and taboo with her kids. Yet when she asks about my sex life with my girlfriend, it feels like she is making a spectacle of my lesbianism (i.e. calling me while hanging out with her similar friends and asking how we do it and who is the top).
When I tell my mom this is borderline inappropriate or offensive she just responds: “But it’s my culture! I’m just a crazy Jewish mom!” How do I normalize my sexuality with her while also celebrating the positive side of her openness in discussing the taboo?
— Daughter of a well-meaning “crazy Jewish mom”
Oh… my God?? OK, as a lesbian, a child of a Jewish mom and a future Jewish mom, I’ve gotta say… absolutely not. I’m going to read your mom with the generosity that you offer her in your question, and I’ll defer to your kindness and understanding toward her in my answer, but I’m also going to let every single person reading this know that this behavior is not OK. Because it is not! This is very! bad! behavior! on your mom’s part, and it cannot be explained away with the stereotype of the “crazy Jewish mom” (which is pretty offensive on its own, tbh).
So let’s backtrack. Your mom loves to talk intimacy and taboo. OK! In theory, that can be great. As a Jewish woman, I really appreciate the openness that comes as part of our culture, and I much prefer honesty and raunchiness to secrets and repression.
And! Being open to talking about intimacy and taboo with your children is not the same as forcing your children to discuss those things with you. It’s very nice that your mom wants to have these discussions — she’s clearly let you know that if you want to use her as a sounding board or a resource to talk about these things, you can. I can tell from your letter that you feel closeness with her, and I am choosing to believe that your family is built on a foundation of love.
But it’s genuinely unacceptable for her to force these topics on you, and it’s incredibly inappropriate and offensive (not borderline! Incredibly!) that she is talking about your sex life with her friends, and trying to force you to do the same. That is not OK. I’m sorry it’s happening. It needs to stop.
How you decide to end this dynamic with your mom is up to you, but my recommendation is some firm boundaries, ideally with the help of a therapist.
1. It’s not your job to normalize your sexuality to your mom (or to anyone)
You’re gay. If you were straight, you wouldn’t feel the need to normalize your sexuality to your mom — and it would still be very inappropriate for her to quiz you about your sex life. It seems a little bit like maybe your mom believes that your being a lesbian is “more” taboo than if you were straight, which is a form of homophobia and is her issue to unpack, not yours. You don’t have to prove anything to your mom about your sexuality, and you don’t have to share anything about your sex life with anyone if you don’t want to.
2. Focus on what you can control
You’re not going to be able to convince your mom that her behavior is inappropriate, especially as it seems she is a bit allergic to accountability. Using a dated stereotype about oneself to blow off a complaint from your child that you’re being inappropriate or offensive does not exactly scream “I’m willing to admit my mistakes and work to change my behavior.” Maybe over time, she really will hear you if you keep saying this. But she may never change her ways. You can’t control your mom’s behavior, but what you can control is how you react to it, or what information you grant her.
If she asks about your sex life, you can say: “I’m not comfortable talking about that with you. I won’t answer any of your questions.”
If she insists on pushing the subject, you can say: “If you keep asking about my sex life, I’m going to hang up the phone.”
If this happens over and over, you can say: “When you pressure me to talk about my sex life, it makes me not want to talk to you. If you keep this up, I’m going to stop answering your calls/spending time with you for a few weeks/months.”
These are escalating boundaries — as my therapist says, a boundary doesn’t always mean “we’re going no contact!” That’s actually very extreme, and hopefully boundaries can prevent those situations from happening with people we love. You can think of boundaries on a spectrum; the first option I offered is a pretty soft boundary. The third option is much stronger. If your first boundary is respected, you won’t need to escalate to the stronger options.
That said, it’s very important to remember that if you don’t enact the consequence part of a boundary, it’s not a boundary — it’s just a suggestion. So stick up for yourself and follow through on the boundaries you set. You do not owe your mom any explanations or details about your sex life. If she keeps asking for them, you have the autonomy to shut the conversation down. You can’t stop her questions, but you can control your answers.
3. Lean into the things you do want to discuss with your mom
In my introduction I promised I’d answer this question with the generosity you granted your mom in mind. It’s hard for me personally not to feel angry at your mom for behaving the way she is, but she’s not my mom! It’s clear you love her and want to maintain a relationship with her, so here’s my advice for the second part of your question, “how do I celebrate the positive side of her openness in discussing the taboo?”
It sounds like your mom is down to have a very open, communicative relationship with you, and perhaps there are subjects you’d appreciate discussing with her. Think long and hard about what you are comfortable sharing, and lean into those topics. Make sure not to let your mom lead these conversations to places you don’t want to go; it’s still fine, when openly sharing, to hit a boundaried subject and say, “I don’t feel comfortable talking about that.” But if there are things you’re excited to share with her, go for it. It is lucky to have a mom who is willing to talk about intimate details of life — as long as you’re also keen to talk about those details.
4. Find a good therapist
This is likely going to be a challenging, ongoing issue between you and your mom. I do worry that if she can’t respect your privacy and requests to not tokenize your sexuality in this instance, there will be other issues in the future that bring up similar problems. If you don’t have a therapist, I really recommend getting one, particularly one who specializes in LGBTQ+ populations and family dynamics. If you need help finding one, Dr. Sara Glass of our Ask A Jewish Therapist series has some great recommendations. I’m wishing you and your mom luck in having a healthy communicative relationship moving forward — one that honors both of your needs and identities!
