I’ve seen my fair share of menorahs, but nothing could prepare me for what I stumbled upon in the deepest corners of the web — AKA Amazon and Etsy.

I really can’t tell if I hate or love these absurd menorahs, so I’ll let you be the judge.

Golf Menorah

golf

Golf is subjectively the most boring sport in the world, and associating it with Hanukkah is just rude. And at $144, this menorah is a total shanda.

8-Car Pileup

Is this an 8-car pileup or a bunch of obnoxious teens harassing adults? Either way, it’s trés random (and it costs $182.75, WTF?)

Eclectic Menorah

This menorah scares me and makes me feel super weird. Maybe it’s the troll that reminds me of the baby doll head attached to spider legs in Toy Story (you know what I’m talking about!!), or maybe it’s Maybelline. Probably the former. Anyway, please don’t put this on your window display unless you want to send shivers down your neighbors’ spines.

Smiling Sheep 

Does this look like a “smiling sheep” to you? No, it doesn’t. Because it’s neither smiling nor a sheep. In fact — according to me — it’s a  “grimacing ramen noodle wiener dog.” With this false advertising, I request a discount.

Dumbledore’s Army 

I dig the idea behind this Harry Potter themed menorah, but the execution isn’t quite there. I’m also not sure who the man donning a green jacket to the left of Dumbledore is. But if he’s single, let me know.

Menobster

I mean… lobster just isn’t kosher. I can only assume the majority of people who buy this one are non-Jewish restaurant owners in Maine. Bonus points for naming it “Menobster,” though. That’s genius.

Latkes Menorah 

A “latke” menorah with no sign of latkes? Absurd! Unless the baker on the right is holding a platter of latkes, I demand a name change.

Shalom Bus 

Would I buy this? No. Would I receive it as a gift? Yes. Will I like it? The jury’s still out on that one.

Christmas Tree 

xmas

I suppose this one’s appropriate for Jews raised in a household that also celebrates Christmas, but do we really need to mash them up?

Bong Menorah

menorah bong

Seeing as it doesn’t have candles, this menorah is hardly kosher. But how could I leave it off the list?

Arielle Kaplan

Arielle Kaplan is an Editorial Assistant at Alma.

Read More