High Holiday services are meant for turning inward, reflecting and, of course, praying. But inevitably, your mind tends to wander…
Five minutes into Pesukei D’Zimra.
Baruch atah… What’s your mother-in-law making for dinner? Please let it be roast chicken and matzah ball soup. May God steer her away from any new recipes. Not today, not on this holiest of days. Please, no Substack experiments.
Four minutes later.
Wait — is that Micah Porat in the third row? He’s gotten so tall. What is he now, 16? 17? Weren’t you babysitting him just yesterday? What is time?
How do you already have to pee?
The cantor hits a high note.
The Silvas are here, the Levys, the Kaplans… but where are the Gottliebs? They’re usually in the same row as the Porats. Twenty-plus years of the same spot, and they’re just gone? Something’s up.
Everyone stands for the Barchu.
Was it Micah’s older cousin Ben you had a crush on? You were supposed to kiss under the balloon arch at your Bat Mitzvah, but then Leora Weiner swooped in. And you had those terrible bangs…
The silent Amidah begins.
Do you think it’s safe to sit down now? It’s been about three minutes. Maybe turn a few pages first, and do a few bows. Yeah, bow lower. Okay, that’s good.
Halfway through Shacharit.
Look at little Jenny Gottleib’s sneakers! And to think your mom made you wear those mules when you were that age.
Six pages later.
Don’t fall asleep. Don’t fall asleep. Oseh shalom bimromav… this tune is so relaxing. (Your sister nudges you.) You’re awake! Focus. Pray. Or at least try to.
This is basically like a mindfulness practice, right? Didn’t Eckhart Tolle say something about being present in “The Power of Now”? You should really get on that… maybe you should go pee now?
The rabbi tells everyone to stand as the ark is opened.
Where do rabbis and cantors even get their robes? Is there a website for that? Do rabbis ever take anxiety meds, or are they just at peace with everything because they’ve got God?
As the Torah comes around.
Maybe you give up comedy and become a rabbi? It’s a solid gig — built-in audience every Friday and Saturday night.
But weekends would be tough. You’d have to miss the Saturday farmer’s market. Plus, being a role model sounds exhausting.
The rabbi reaches out for your father’s hand as he walks through the aisle.
You sneak a peek at your phone; it’s 10:30 a.m. The sermon’s in four minutes. Is now the time for a bathroom break?
As the congregation is seated.
You head for the bathroom and there are the Gottliebs — moved to the back because of their new baby granddaughter.
You tell yourself you’ll really be able to focus on praying after you pee.
Happy New Year!
