Hello and welcome back to Hey Alma’s advice column on all things Jewish life. Read on for advice from our resident deputy editor/bossy Capricorn Jew, and submit your own dilemmas anonymously here.
Dear Hey Alma,
I’ve been converting to Judaism over the past year and now my beit din, mikvah and Hebrew naming are all scheduled for a couple of months from now!
My family has been incredibly supportive of my conversion and a few members will be flying in to celebrate with me. I’m also close with my Jewish partner’s family, who have been very welcoming of me.
I’m organizing a dinner for after Shabbat services and have realized that I don’t know who is covering the cost of the celebration. The invite list includes my Jewish partner and me, members of both our families and the rabbi for a total of 11 people.
Our New York apartment is too small to host in so the only option is a meal out. My partner and I are at an age where we can afford to cover the cost of dinner, but it’s definitely a stretch. Given that Emily Post doesn’t have an etiquette guide for this, I’m not sure who is obligated to cover the costs!
Since it’s a life cycle celebration of mine should my family pay? Or should my partner’s family cover it because I’m joining their community? Should my partner and I just cough up (especially because I hate to ask anyone to pay!)? Please help!
—Etiquette Conscious Convert
Dear ECC,
Mazel tov on your conversion! I’m so happy for you that your family and your partner’s family have been so supportive, and that you all have so many things to celebrate in the coming months. What a joyful time for all of you!
In terms of footing the bill for any formal celebration around these events, I regret to inform you that you should assume it will be your responsibility — unless you have a blunt conversation with your family about it in advance. Regardless of religion, it is common courtesy that when you invite a group of people to a party, you will foot the bill.
If 11 people were simply going to a restaurant together, I’d say you might be able to assume everyone would pay for themselves (but for the server’s sake, I’d hope you could split it between one or two cards and do the math amongst yourselves on Venmo later!). And for an event where you are the celebrated individual (like a birthday or a conversion!) it’s possible that everyone would offer to chip in and insist that you not pay for yourself. The rub here is that there’s no guarantee this will happen, which can make things a little awkward and uncomfortable when the bill comes.
I brought this question to some of my colleagues, and one made the comparison that this is like planning a wedding and hoping your parents will chip in, but never outright asking them. If you’re in need of some financial support around this simcha, I would approach your family directly and ask if they’re able and willing to contribute. But if you’ll allow me to be so bold — I actually have some other options for what you could do to celebrate that will alleviate this issue altogether!
At the core of your question is a joyful, religious moment for you, and a desire to share this huge life transition with the people you love. I know your apartment is small, but “a meal out” is not the only option! Your family and your rabbi are not expecting a lavish dining experience — they just want to celebrate you. I’d encourage you to think outside the box here.
Is your apartment really too small for 11 adults to squeeze in? Could you rearrange the furniture for standing room and have kiddush, challah and a heavy dips and salad course? That suggestion came from a colleague who said, “This seems to be about a celebration, so I think really good bread and hummus and pickles and wine and a cucumber spritz and babka and a d’var Torah would make an excellent night,” and I gotta say, I agree. She also suggested that you could talk to the converting rabbi to see if there may be an affordable room to rent in their synagogue.
Another colleague had a creative outdoorsy idea: “Make a potluck dinner in a public place, like Central Park.” I once attended a wedding reception at Prospect Park that included Costco sheet cake and hot dogs, and it was THE BEST.
The point is, this situation does not need to be fancy and it does not need to break the bank. But hospitality is a Jewish value, and when we invite people to a dinner, party or function of any kind, the expectation is we will be providing the food and covering the bill (unless it’s explicitly a potluck).
Consider what kind of celebratory event makes most sense for you and your partner to host and pay for, and go with that. Then you, your families and your rabbi can all enjoy the simcha without worrying about who is grabbing the bill at the end of the evening.
Mazel tov, again — I hope the celebration is wonderful!
