Way back around Hanukkah 2017, three brave friends banded together to have an important discussion about a topic affecting all Jews today: why is Hanukkah stuff so ugly? From menorahs to t-shirts to the dreaded Hanukkah overalls, no kitschy item was spared.
Now, Daci, Hannah, and Lindi are back to take on the scourge that is ugly Passover sh*t.
Daci: Ladies, assemble!! It’s time to talk about ugly Passover sh*t.
Hannah: We are the Jewish avengers of poor taste.
Lindi: Do Christian seders count as ugly Passover sh*t? ZING.
Let’s get it out of the way first: the matzah dress.
Lindi: Wrap yourself in bland flavor and fashion. And it’s plain matzah… it doesn’t even have butter.
Hannah: So would a matzah dress paired with a butter belt be the preferred lewk?
Lindi: Hmm… maybe not.
Daci: Why do we even need Passover clothes? I have never thought to myself, self, let’s get some cheese-printed leggings. So why matzah? And look at this — is there a joke here we’re missing?
Lindi: A matzah bra? Why? Just. Why.
Hannah: Does anyone remember the Dr. Dolittle pushmi-pullyu? That is immediately what I thought of when I saw this — please don’t analyze what that means. I also thought this was some kind of weird snail experiment gone bad.
Daci: I’m sorry, but when did Passover become a tacky souvenir shop on Bourbon Street?
Moving on to seder plates…
Lindi: I just found the world’s most interesting seder plate. Literally. That’s what it says.
Daci: Oh, gross. I feel like Judaica falls under two categories: shtetl chic or 1990s hospital waiting room. This feels ‘90s hospital waiting room to me. And those fonts. *shudders*
Lindi: What category is this one?
Hannah: This is a ferris wheel-themed ritual object that also appears to be ready for use in a high school chemistry lab. I am irrationally angry about this object’s design.
Daci: I can smell my old Sunday school classroom when I look at that. Our children deserve better!
Lindi: I don’t want to have to look at this on my table for three plus hours!
Hannah: Something about never using comic sans DAYENU.
Daci: Honestly, I’m less upset about Passover than Hanukkah because Easter shit is kind of ugly, too. I can’t get down with pastels, or bunnies, or crucifixes. I don’t feel like I’m missing out on cute decorations this time of year. Like this picture from West Elm could easily be a seder table — just take out the bunnies.
Hannah: Speaking of which, where is the annual solitary piece of West Elm judaica?
Daci: There’s no seder plate this year!
Hannah: When you type “passover” into the Crate and Barrel search, you get a roundup of their white and silver stuff. We talked about this at Hanukkah! WE. SEE. YOU trying to pass your existing stuff off as Passover, but creating a special bunny plate just for Easter.
Lindi: Williams Sonoma has a seder plate that’s… fine?
Daci: Yeah, I’m okay with it. But not wildly excited. It looks like they printed the words on the first white plate they could find and called it a day.
Hannah: Honestly I’d rather the bare minimum than the previous items which are doing The Most.
Lindi: Okay don’t hate me but… I don’t think I like this one from Jonathan Adler.
Daci: Oh no. Did Jonathan Adler, patron saint of stylish Judaica, let us down?
Daci: Oh. Oh. I see.
Lindi: It looks like a board game they play on Star Trek.
Hannah: It’s the least offensive and also the least Jewish looking. Yes, I know saying Jewish looking is extremely problematic and saying the word problematic is also, yes, problematic.
What about matzah covers?
Lindi: I feel like so many of them are just matzah. Like, are we going to forget what’s underneath?
Hannah: This feels… redundant? Which is sort of on-brand for how the whole seder works, I guess.
Daci: There is not a single matzah cover on Etsy that I like. Oh! Wait! I found one that doesn’t personally offend me.
Hannah: Honestly, finding something that doesn’t personally offend me is the best I can hope for at this point.