25 Signs You’re a Jew in NYC

While NYC may not be promised land in Old Testament terms, it’s still a thriving, vibrant space full of Larry David lookalikes and people you probably went to high school with, but you don’t have the energy to make eye contact and be 100% sure.

With that said, here are 25 ways to know you’re a member of the tribe who’s spent time among the five boroughs.

1. The number of ‘u up?’ texts received multiplies when the stock market is closed the next day.
Congrats on the random national holiday, Bumble date from three months ago.

2. You’ve sighed in tandem with the rest of the people in line at an Upper West Side establishment.
Bonus points if it’s a brunch wait or post office line.

3. You’ve been to a ‘90s appreciation party and nearly every girl enthusiastically showed up in a Juicy tracksuit.
The dudes, of course, dusted off the gold Star of David chains.

4. “Yeah, we have a condo in Boca.”
The true land of milk and honey.

5. Texts from mom: “Why can’t your friends in finance set you up with their friends?”
You don’t have the heart to tell her you’ve already met most of them. And it definitely did not end well.

6. Quasi lucid, self-destructive flashbacks while walking past happy hour spots in Murray Hill make you walk just a little bit faster.
And that was the last time you ever did shots off a ski.

7. Self-care isn’t just a hobby, it’s a passion.
Who among us wouldn’t rather face mask to Netflix than drag our ass out?

8. Your Facebook page is just a long list of acquaintances saying, “Honored to be featured alongside such great people!” when the Forbes 30 under 30 list comes out.
“Congrats, Brad. You’re still a dick.”

9. You’ve been hit on while in line at Trader Joe’s or Whole Foods.
And ‘this is a hell of a meet cute for the NYT Vows section’ has crossed your mind.

10. “Now that all the kids are out of the house, Mom is really getting into interior design.”
And the circle of life continues.

11. Too, too many of your high school and college classmates are self-professed foodies and lifestyle bloggers.
“Stefanie, stop pretending that’s your boat. Sit your J. Crew Factory wearing ass down.”

12. “Portrait mode has really changed the game.” — Overheard on the Lower East Side
Guess art school is finally paying off?

13. Zabar’s is one of your key landmarks.
And you have one of their signature mugs sitting in your cabinet.

14. Your therapist has thanked you for referring so many people to her.
Let’s face it. You and your friends alone just paid for her kid’s last semester at boarding school.

15. It’s infuriating when you spot your ex at your local brunch spot because it should rightfully be your safe space post-breakup.

16. “How did you meet your boyfriend?” “Hinge, but it turns out he knows my cousin from camp.”
And the latter is what you’ll tell your family.

17. You don’t need to go to a Syracuse bar to run into at least half a dozen people who went to Syracuse.
Go Orange, by default.

18. You forget if your friend works in communications, marketing, or PR but it doesn’t really matter.
In the end, isn’t it all the same anyway?

19. You run into half your former sorority at Joshua Tree.
No photos are taken because the geotag is too insufferable and the retelling of the story will only be mentioned to those present.

20. How much you pay for your apartment in what part of town is the ultimate conversation topic.
“How the hell did you get that deal in Soho?”

21. You still have that college-era Vera Bradley weekender sitting in your closet.
It’s rolled up and stowed away out of sight — but never out of mind <3

22. Sample sales are a damn sport.
Waiting in line for an hour at the Tory Burch sale may not have been worth it, but at least the snap story was on point.

23. Staying kosher for Passover is just another gluten-free challenge for you.
Foregoing the bread with your Sweetgreen salad is a struggle though.

24. You’ve hung out a lot on Wall Street. Just you know, mostly for pregames in apartment buildings.
You’re like the Gordon Gekko of vodka sodas.

25. Whenever your parents visit, it’s a marathon of Jewish delis and museums.
Bagels and lox spread at Sadelles? Check. Champagne toast on the top of the Met Museum? Check.

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