Hello and welcome back to Hey Alma’s advice column on all things Jewish life. Read on for advice from our resident deputy editor/bossy Capricorn Jew, and submit your own dilemmas anonymously here.
Hey, Hey Alma!
I’m a secular patrilineal Jewish woman active in my local community, and I’ve been struggling with dating.
I relocated to a city where the Jewish communities are more conservative than what I’m used to. I recently dated someone with a much more observant background, and while we connected and enjoyed our time together, we ended things knowing our differences in backgrounds (especially because I’m patrilineal) and religious practice would likely become an issue. I was honest about being patrilineal from the start — he still chose to pursue things — but later admitted he’d tried to ignore it. At one point, he mentioned that his community wouldn’t consider me Jewish, and that he was cautious about being seen with me in public because of it.
I’ve been feeling really low and unsure about my place. I already carry some insecurity around my patrilineal identity and have been working on embracing it more — but situations like this make it harder. I want a Jewish partner, but converting Orthodox wouldn’t feel true to me. As a patrilineal woman, there’s extra pressure to convert “for the sake of” marriage and kids. I have warm, supportive Jewish friends, but not ones I’d date or marry (I’m hetero and they’re other women).
I’m scared in the future I’ll keep meeting Jewish men who ignore it or say it doesn’t matter — until it suddenly does. I’m not quite sure where to go from here.
— Low and Unsure
Ugh! I am so sorry you’re experiencing this in your dating pool. It’s so frustrating when someone you’re dating admits they were basically lying to themselves — and to you! — about what they’re looking for… and frankly, I find it even more frustrating when Jewish people discount patrilineal Jews. At Hey Alma, we have a very firm belief that a Jew is a Jew is a Jew. I gotta say, I really wish the rest of the community would join us in that stance.
The way I see it, there are two main issues here: Your self-esteem and self-worth, and your dating plans.
Let’s start with the self-esteem piece of the puzzle, because that’s the most important part. I want to affirm your Judaism loudly and clearly: You are Jewish. You are Jewish enough. Your place in Judaism is special and non-negotiable. The work you’re doing to move through your insecurity around your patrilineal identity is sacred and powerful, and your participation in our religion is yours to define.
I’m so glad to hear you have warm, supportive Jewish friends. Lean into spending time with them. Do Jewish activities together. Ask them to reflect how they see you and your place in Judaism, and try to internalize their words. You say you’re active in your local community, so perhaps you’re already a member of a synagogue or another Jewish group. If not, find one that speaks to your soul and join. Surround yourself with people who welcome you and accept you for who you are — a Jew — and invest in those friendships and relationships.
As for dating, this is a bit tougher. We can control our own actions, but we can’t control the actions of others. Also: Let’s be honest, dating sort of sucks in general, even without a specific problem. I don’t know a single person out there right now who is like, “I love dating, the apps make it feel good, reality TV is really helping, I’m having a nice time.” (Oh wow, I sound old. But also — am I wrong?!) Dating is really a drag! Here are some concrete tips I can offer to make your specific dating experience (hopefully!) less stressful and upsetting.
1. Be very upfront about who you are and what you’re looking for
You are you, and that’s all there is to it. There are a million and ten reasons why you are a catch and why someone should feel lucky to date you. Own it! Don’t let this one bad experience dissuade you from that. If you’re using the apps, be upfront about your identity; whether you feel like disclosing that you’re a patrilineal Jew or not is up to you, but sometimes putting it out there will do a good job weeding out anyone who has a problem with it. If you’re on a blind date or being set up by a friend, speak openly about your Judaism and your background from the first date. And this is where your personal work comes in: Be proud of who you are. Don’t apologize for being a patrilineal Jew. The right person will be into you in your entirety. You shouldn’t ever feel like you have to apologize for who you are.
2. Get clear on your dealbreakers
Which brings us to my next suggestion: Get really clear on your dealbreakers. It sounds like you may be letting your fears and other people’s desires guide your dating life — like you’re at the whim of all these more Conservative/Orthodox Jewish men who are looking for someone who is the same kind of Jew they are. But actually, you’re in charge. Do you want to date someone who makes you feel unsure and low about your place in Judaism? No way. So that’s a dealbreaker. I encourage you to be really upfront from Day 1 with a new date about your religion, your level of observance and what you’re looking for in a partner. If he seems even a smidge not into it, he’s not the guy for you. That may sound harsh and it will definitely tighten your dating pool. But TBH, that’s not always a bad thing. If you’re only dating people you see real potential with, you may have fewer dates, but at least they’ll all be with someone you really might want to build something real with.
3. Ask your friends to set you up
If you haven’t already, ask your warm, supportive Jewish friends to set you up! They may have some warm, supportive Jewish single men in their lives, and it’s always a relief to know someone is vouched for before the first date.
4. Stop trying, stay in community and see what happens
This one can feel like a cop out. But if you’re really not finding your person while going on all these dates, it might be a good idea to take a break. You’re already investing in your community, so take a step back from dating and put the effort into the relationships you’re creating organically with your neighbors, your fellow synagogue members, the people you volunteer with, etc. Maybe a spark will occur with one of those people — or maybe not. But either way, you’ll be creating a life for yourself filled with people who see and value you for who you are, not who you aren’t. And that’s worth a million bad dates, I promise.
5. Send in a Classified ad to Hey Alma!
Not to brag, but we’ve helped people find lifelong friends, roommates, partners and yes, even their spouse! So if you haven’t sent in a Hey Alma Classified yet, perhaps this is your sign! You can spell out very clearly who you are and who you’re looking for, and maybe your bashert will be scrolling Instagram and find you. It literally could happen.
Good luck out there, and stay true to yourself. You’re Jewish, you’re wonderful and you deserve someone who sees that. Wishing you the best in finding the lucky guy!
