Imagine you’re back in your freshman college dorm, just a week before winter break. Finals are over, and you’re rewarding yourself with a fat joint. It’s BWP — before weed pens — and your tiny room is marijuana proofed: a towel is blocking smoke from wandering into the hall; the window is slightly cracked open; a vanilla scented Yankee Candle is lit; a drier sheet is wrapped around an empty toilet paper roll; and you have a Febreeze bottle in hand.
In the middle of puff-puff-passing, you hear a noise. But not to worry, it’s probably just a ghost. What do you know? You’re high.
Oh, fuck. It wasn’t a ghost at all. Nope, it was your RA, and they’re pounding on your door. They confiscate every last bit of weed in your room, leaving you high and dry for the rest of the week. You scrape any morsel of kief out of your grinder to no avail and turn your room upside down in search of forgotten baggies. The munchies are kicking in, your buzz is killed, and what the heck are you going to do without your drug of choice for the next eight days before your flight home?
You grab your shoes to pick up a sub from WaWa, and that’s when you see it — the holy grail. In their haste, a nugget of weed dropped out of the RA’s narcy hands and landed in your Nike sneakers. And it’s just enough to last you through the week.
And that’s how I explain the miracle of Hanukkah to my non-Jewish friends. (I’m the Maccabees, the weed raid is the destruction of the first Temple by the Syrians, and the weed is the oil that miraculously lasted all eight days of Hanukkah.)
Now that my riveting history lesson is over, we can get to the good stuff. From the people (me) who gave you “8 Ways to Incorporate Weed Into Your Seder” and “9 Ways to Incorporate Weed Into the High Holidays,” I am proud to present you with the ultimate guide to celebrating Marijuanakkuh.
1. Menorah bong
The menorah bong is an obvious first item in this listicle. New from GRAV, this bubbler has eight bowls for one crazy holiday. Granted, at $400, it has a hefty price tag. But if you happen to be in the position to buy one as a gift for your favorite Jewish writer… my DMs are open.
Alternatively, try the “menookah.” It’s pretty much the same as the menorah bong, but different. Head to Colorado-based Jewish artist Elliot Roffman’s Instagram account @EBoxGlassArt to add to your shopping cart! It costs $1500 — steep, I know — and comes with the mouthpieces, hose, and plugs.
3. Menorah joint
For those without enough gelt to slide into my DMs, opt for the menorah joint. Origami masters can probably fashion this work of art on their own, but novices could benefit from Vice’s how to video hosted by “weed artist” Tony Greenhand.
Weed artist @TonyGreenhand explains how to make a menorah-shaped joint for Hanukkah. 🕎🍃💨
Watch the full video here: https://t.co/OCtSnyMetL pic.twitter.com/eMzOU5tBmI
— VICE (@VICE) December 10, 2018
4. Cannabis oil
It wouldn’t be Highnukkah without the most essential holiday accoutrement: cannabis cooking oil. Because, duh.
Always coming in clutch, you can find a recipe for weed oil on Leafly with an easy to follow video demonstration. The process is pretty simple but can take up to six hours to make depending on which strategy you use. Basically you melt a bunch of pot in a pan with oil and then strain it. Easy, right?
As for what to do with the oil, if you’re willing to blow a lot of dough, there are several options. You can use it to fry: latkes, sufganiyot, kugel balls, Oreos, and literally anything else you want. This holiday is all about oil, so lather up, baby!
5. Marijuannikah gifts
To truly get in the capitalistic holiday spirit, I searched the web far and wide to present thee with a very niche list of weed themed Hanukkah gifts.
1. Blaze it t-shirt
2. Dr. Drei dreidel
3. Marijuana kippah
4. Latke scented candle
5. Marijuana stash jar
6. Happy Chronica card
7. Star of David roach clip
8. Eight joints hand rolled with love
6. Weed gelt
The only thing better than gelt (except for most things) is weed gelt. Duh!
To make edible chocolate you’re going to combine two recipes. First, watch Eliot Glazer — yes, the Ilana Glazer’s brother — in this Vice video for the gelt recipe.
Next, you’re going to combine those instructions with Marijuana Break’s cannabis chocolate recipe to make the ultimate weed gelt. Ta da!
7. Spin the dreidel
There are a few ways to make this classic Hanukkah game a stoner’s edition. In lieu of store bought gelt for gambling chips, use the aforementioned weed gelt recipe. Alternatively, you can swap the chocolate for dime bags, weed wax, vape pens, blunts, or joints.
If you stoney balonies want to really get into the spirit of Highnukkah, here’s a slight twist to our iconic dreidel drinking game: replace “take a drink” with “take a hit” of your choice of marijuana consumption.
If you’re throwing a Chronica party, don’t make the mistake of exclusively serving edibles. Weed free food is essential not only to tame your guests’ high, but to qualm your munchies with yummy fried food.
If you make a batch of edible sufganiyot and latkes, set aside a platter of the goods made without weed oil (or you can play Hanukkah roulette and mix all the food without alerting the party, but maybe don’t do that).
Happy Marijuanakkuh/Highnukkah/Festival of Joints/Chronica!!