Hello and welcome back to Hey Alma’s advice column on all things Jewish life. Read on for advice from our resident deputy managing editor/bossy Capricorn Jew, and submit your own dilemmas anonymously here.
Hey, Hey Alma,
My mom wants to take me on a heritage trip to Poland this year, where both of her grandparents were born and narrowly survived the Holocaust. It is a trip I want to do eventually, and I know it would be really special to go with my mom, but (and here’s the part where I know I sound like an asshole) I don’t really want to do it this year. My current job offers very limited PTO which means it’s the only vacation I would be able to take all year, and I’m kind of just already emotionally exhausted from ~ looks around ~ and would rather take a vacation that actually feels like a break. So, give it to me straight: Would I be a terrible person if I said no?
— Am I The Jewish Asshole?
I could answer this question with a single word, but where would the fun be in that? So I’ll start with a direct answer to your question, and then we’ll chat through this a little. Would you be a terrible person if you said no?
No!
(Can you imagine if I’d simply written that and then hit publish?! LOL.)
OK but seriously, no, my sweet concerned and caring Jewish child, you are absolutely not a terrible person for not wanting to go on this trip with your mom right now. And the fact that you’re worried enough about this to write in and ask us proves that you’re actually the opposite — a not terrible person!
It sounds like you have a good relationship with your mom, and a trip like this would no doubt be special if you took it together. But as you’ve correctly surmised, I think it would also be really intense. We need look no further than some recent Jewish films — I’m thinking “A Real Pain” and “Treasure” — to see how dramatic these trips can be. They can stress even the best relationships, and they are definitely not going to give off “I’m taking a break and going on vacation” vibes. I’m impressed that you have the self-knowledge and trust in your needs to realize that now is not the right time for you to be on one of these trips. I think it actually shows maturity and integrity to be able to say this is not the right choice for me right now. I truly believe that choosing not to go on a trip that you don’t really have the capacity to show up for fully is the kindest decision in this situation. Really, all signs point emphatically to: You are not the Jewish asshole!
You haven’t explicitly asked how you should explain this choice to your mom, but let’s quickly go over that. Oftentimes it’s not our boundaries that make us assholes, but the way we express them. As I said, it sounds like your relationship with your mom is sound and like you’re actually a very thoughtful person, so I’m sure you aren’t planning to deliver your decision in a rude way, but I would emphasize that you should take care to be really honest and explicit with your mom.
Pick a time when you’re both calm (as calm as one can be these days) and not busy. Express to her exactly what you’ve shared with us. If your mom is as considerate as it seems you are, I think she’ll understand. I would caution against over-promising — if you really feel like you will be up for this trip another year, but not now, you can say that, but if that’s just something you’re saying to avoid guilt for saying “no” this time, hold off. Is it realistic that you’ll have a new job next year? Will a new job guarantee more paid time off? Is it likely that things will become ~looks around~ better and less stressful anytime soon? It’s OK if you can’t ever imagine a time when going on a heritage trip with your mom will feel doable for you. Your mom might be really disappointed to hear that, but sometimes we have to disappoint people we love in order to be honest and stay true to ourselves. It’s better to be upfront and honest though than to string someone along. If you’d really consider the trip in the future, you can say so. But if you wouldn’t, rip the bandaid off now. Spend some time considering the question before chatting with your mom — get really clear on what you can and can’t offer, and hold firm to your boundaries during the conversation.
Above all, just be kind to your mom and kind to yourself. I promise it would be so much worse for you to go on this trip unwillingly and have a bad attitude during it. Your mom might be bummed you can’t do this specific thing together this year, but if you’re honest with her, she becomes empowered to make her own decisions moving forward. Perhaps she still wants to go on the trip alone, or with another family member or a close friend. Perhaps she wants to wait to go on the trip when/if you can in the future, if that’s an option you offer (which is why it’s important to be honest about how realistic that offer is, so your mom can plan accordingly!). Perhaps she’ll decide she also wants to skip a heavy trip this year and would rather go somewhere with you where you can both take a break.
There are lots of options for you and for your mom when it comes to making these vacation plans — and as long as you’re honest, kind and clear about what you need, saying no to this one specific option doesn’t make you an asshole.