Jewish tradition teaches that within the closeness of consenting sexual partners lies remarkable holiness. In this way, partners who engage in BDSM cultivate their own kinky kedushah (holiness).
Let me back up: Hi, I’m Eliana, a queer rabbinical student, and we’re about to embark on an introductory journey through Judaism and kink! There is great power in claiming our pleasure, sexuality, spirituality — and where all those facets of ourselves intersect. My hope for you, dear reader, is that you gain insight into the importance of kink culture and how we can engage with it Jewishly. So, I’ve put together a beginner’s guide to BDSM, kink, and Judaism.
What exactly is BDSM and kink?
BDSM is an acronym that stands for Bondage/Discipline, Dominance/Submission, and Sadism/Masochism. There are people who engage with only one aspect of BDSM and people who engage with multiple or all aspects. Not all BDSM practice is sexual. Kink, on the other hand, describes one’s sexuality or sexual practice that is perceived to be unconventional and outside of the mainstream.
Consent is a Jewish value
The kink and BDSM communities are rooted in communication, care, and consent. This leads me to one of my favorite Jewish values: kavod habriyot or human dignity.
The negotiation process that happens before BDSM and kink play is a prime example of this Jewish value. Before engaging in a scene, partners will negotiate roles, safe words, limits, boundaries, aftercare, and the overall expectations for their time together. This level of transparency and honesty is arguably sacred.
In a modern sense, these negotiations can be seen as a form of ketubah — what is traditionally a marriage contract. In Hanne Blank’s essay, “The Big O Also Means Olam” she writes, “People practicing BDSM might conceptualize negotiations as a form of ketubah, or marriage contract, specifying what each partner is obligated to bring to the relationship and what each can expect in terms of support and help if things go poorly.” During any kind of intimacy, consent is, and should always be, at the forefront. Paying attention to our partner’s verbal and nonverbal cues is a key part of honoring their dignity and autonomy.
In Jewish texts we have examples of Maimonides explaining, “it’s not a yes if it’s not a hell yes.” (Well, not exactly in those words.) Consent is crucial and is a Jewish value. When the foundation between partners is dignity and respect, it will only amplify the release we experience — bringing us closer to feeling a bit more divine.
Kinky Jewish rituals
As Jews, we put great emphasis on rituals. What if there were a way to combine them with kink? Well, there is! One Jewish ritual with surface similarities to kink is the use of tefillin, which consists of binding oneself with leather straps and boxes filled with sacred words to fulfill God’s commandment.
In Yona Wallach’s poem “Tefillin,” she uses phylacteries to paint an erotic scene.
I will lay tefillin I’ll pray
You lay the tefillin for me
Bind them on my arms
Play with them inside me
Pass them delicately over my body
For those who pray tachanun, a section of prayer that contains petition and confession during weekday morning and afternoon services, a key part is called nefilat apayim, falling on the face. Today, this looks more like keeping our heads down, buried in our arms, but the tradition stems from two biblical verses — Numbers 16:22 and Joshua 7:6 — when people knelt until their faces touched the ground in an act of total and complete submission to God. This is reminiscent of a Submissive in BDSM play choosing to relinquish control to their Dominant.
Other Jewish rituals, too, feel like they have kinky potential to me. BDSM and kink involve uniquely engaging the senses—a key part of many Jewish rituals. During havdalah, when we close out Shabbat, elements of ritual employ all five senses, leaving us with a feeling of transformation. On Yom Kippur, when we pound on our chest during the Viddui prayer, it can remind me of impact play, any practice that involves striking the body. Lastly, I can even view the act of fasting can be seen as submission to God — but like a caring Dom(me), God doesn’t want you to partake in fasting if it will harm you and bring no benefit to your divine relationship.
Bringing Jewish ritual into play
If you’re into wax play, this might be fun to incorporate into Shabbat or Hanukkah. If other forms of temperature play are your thing, you could try out ways to play on one of our many water rituals, like mikveh immersion. Maybe try an extravagant roleplay on Purim, post-spiel of course. (Or pre! Or make your own kinky spiel!)
We can even create our own blessings or use existing blessings to sanctify certain acts. Toy set-up, collaring ceremonies, putting on leathers — these are all moments that can be ritualized. The possibilities are only as limited as your imagination.
Kink in Jewish texts and traditions
The connection between Judaism and kink is not just present in modern rituals; our sacred texts and traditions are full of instances if we look for them. We see negotiations between God and biblical characters like Abraham and Jacob. In my reading of Jewish texts, there are Dom/sub dynamics all over the place, some involving God and others not.
There is even sadomasochism—if you choose to view it that way. In a 2005 article “The Ties That Bind,” Josh Nathan-Kazis hears from professional dominatrix Madame Alexia. Madame Alexia says, “In the Torah, no one tries to pretend that they’re not terrified of God. There’s this constant threat of punishment and wrath, but the Israelites don’t mind—it’s like that’s what they love about God.” This fear can be interpreted as the Israelites not minding what’s going to happen, knowing that what’s taking place is within the container of the covenant, and having faith that God will take care of them — all things that can be found in sadomachistic play.
Curiosity is very Jewish
There are so many ways to approach BDSM and kink through a Jewish lens — we’ve just scratched the surface. Whether kink is something you enjoy on occasion, your way of life, or just a subject of intrigue, I hope you feel empowered to question and consider the possible ties it may have with your Jewish practice. After all, exploration and curiosity are deeply-rooted Jewish traditions.
“If your religion holds power and truth for you, embrace it. If your spiritual practice holds power and truth for you, embrace it. If your kink and BDSM holds power and truth for you, embrace it,” writes Lee Harrington in “Sacred Kink.” “They are all tools. They are all opportunities for different frames of reference. And they all have the power to be sacred or profane.” Amen!
So go forth and explore! Have consensual fun!
I leave you with this blessing:
Blessed are our
Divine bodies and
Sacred minds that
Move us to step into our power
Before engaging in any BDSM, make sure you and your partner(s) are aware of all safety and risks involved with your type of play.
Editor’s note, 6/16/21: the headline and image were changed to better reflect the contents of the essay, and a few sentences were clarified to take into account religious sensitivities.
