Hello and welcome back to Hey Alma’s advice column on all things Jewish life. Read on for advice from our resident deputy editor/bossy Capricorn Jew, and submit your own dilemmas anonymously here.
Hey, Hey Alma,
I recently went through a particularly harsh breakup with the man I thought I was going to marry.
He was not Jewish but assured me many, many times that he wanted to learn and celebrate my culture that is so special to me. The relationship was going really well; I had even brought him to meet my grandparents! But suddenly, he ended things and left me bereft. The worst part is, he claimed that he was ending it because I am “Too Much” and he “didn’t know if he wanted to marry a Jewish girl.”
How do I get over this man I thought was my bashert?
—Loud Jewish Girl
Oh, bubbelah. I’m so sorry. This sucks! There’s no way around the hurt of heartbreak — it just simply sucks so much, and you have to sort of wallow in it and feel your feelings until it doesn’t sting quite so much anymore.
Perhaps you are reading this on your phone right now, rolling your eyes, thinking to yourself: What the fuck kind of non-advice is this? I’m supposed to just… feel really bad and sad until I… don’t?!
And I’m so sorry to tell you… yes. Yes! Life is unfair and the people we love and are planning to marry often disappoint us. A broken heart isn’t something that one can just tape back together and move on from. It heals at the pace it heals. We are at the mercy of our emotions and our feelings and unlike a broken bone, there’s no real tried and true solution for mending heart break.
It’s interesting to me that you say the worst part of the breakup is your ex’s reasoning. That tells me those statements really struck a nerve. And of course they did — he basically said the core parts of you are what he doesn’t want. That’s incredibly painful to hear from the person you are hoping to spend the rest of your life with. But tbh, the man did you a favor. If he doesn’t want you, in all your amazing you-ness, then he is not the match for you. Even though he felt like your bashert, your soul mate — he simply isn’t.
Let’s start with the first comment. He says you’re “Too Much.” Disrespectfully — fuck this man! What does that even mean? You signed your letter “Loud Jewish Girl.” Was it a problem for him that you’re loud? Do you have opinions? Are you extremely specific about what you want? Do you have an amazing wardrobe filled with sequins and color? Have you ever cried for no reason? Maybe none of those things resonate with you, but surely you have your own amazing quirks and particularities that make up your personality, your personhood, your self. You can’t be too you. There are people out there who will love you for you in your entirety. They will say “more please” when you show up as your whole self.
It’s very important in a breakup not to let an ex’s final words dictate who we become. I want you to do everything in your power to continue being you. The things your ex found “too much”? Lean into them. Do not let him dull your sparkle. Please keep being you.
Now for his next comment. He’s not sure he wants to marry a Jewish girl? OK, bye! It sounds like this one is painful because it feels like a bait and switch; he said he was really invested in getting to know your culture and wanted to celebrate it with you, and then he turned around and said, no thanks! But this, too, is a favor. Maybe he really did want to learn about Judaism, but when he learned more, it felt overwhelming to him. Maybe he was just in the honeymoon phase and was saying things he thought you’d like to hear. Maybe he’ll end up marrying a Jewish girl who isn’t you! We don’t know, and will never know, what’s going on inside his head. All we can do is take his statement at face value and say thank you to the universe for helping you dodge a bad choice: This man doesn’t want to marry you, and he decided to use your culture and religion as reasoning in his breakup speech. Yuck.
Only you can decide what you want to make of this experience when moving forward. You may find it hard to trust people when they say they are interested in learning about Judaism; you may receive advice telling you to only date fellow Jews moving forward. That’s not what my takeaway would be. Anyone can lie to your face (worst case scenario) or simply change their mind (slightly less bad scenario) when it comes to what they want out of life. There are plenty of Jewish men who have the capacity to break your heart, and plenty of non-Jewish men who may end up being a good fit for you. If your goal in dating is marriage, I do think it’s worth it to put that out there earlier rather than later, so you can gauge if the person you’re dating wants to live the same kind of life you do when it comes to culture and religion — but know that this kind of conversation is not fool proof.
“How do I get over this man I thought was my bashert?” That’s the main thing you’re asking. My answer, unfortunately, remains the same: You’re not in the driver’s seat. It will take the time it takes. But what you can control is how much you love yourself. I’m not telling you to stop looking for your bashert, or even to stop mourning the loss of the man you thought was yours. But I’m advising you to be very loving with yourself; create a life where you are your own beloved. That way, you’re always enough.
