How to Explain Jews to Aliens (Who Are Probably Definitely Real)

This weekend we learned of a secret Pentagram program that has spent $20 million dollars researching UFOs for the past three years. (If you didn’t hear about it, don’t worry; it didn’t make the front page news because 2017 is JUST THAT CRAZY.) According to NPR, the Advanced Aviation Threat Identification Program (dope name) “reportedly examined cases including incidents of military pilots claiming to have seen flying objects that appeared to ‘defy the laws of physics.'”

You guys. You guys!!! Do you know what this means? Aliens are probably definitely real. And if they’ll be making any grand entrances to Earth any time soon, I think it’s important we figure out the best way to explain the existence of another group of often misunderstood beings: the Jews.

I just hope they like gifs. Here we go.

Jews are God’s chosen people.

chosen one star wars

Except most of us are actually very uncomfortable with that language, I mean we don’t actually believe we are more special than anyone else and that line of thinking has possibly led to us being a target of hate among other groups throughout time (which is totally not cool, guys).

elaine modest

We read and study the Torah, or the five books of Moses, aka The Old Testament.


Although tbh most of us only study one particular section of the Torah so that you can read it at your bar/bat mitzvah and give a speech that somehow connects the agricultural laws of ancient Israel to that time your older brother told you he was going to drive you to the mall but didn’t but you forgave him and also you are a woman now!

jacob bar mitzvah boy

Judaism is not only a religion, but a culture steeped in strong values like family, education, and menschiness (being a good person).

sponge bob reading

We’re also really into smoked fish for some reason.

bagel and lox

Speaking of food, there are strict dietary laws, known as keeping kosher, that prohibit Jews from mixing milk and meat or eating pork and shellfish (among other things).


Except most Jews (American ones at least) don’t actually keep kosher but love to coyly say things like “I’m such a bad Jew” when eating all the bacon.

bacon notebook

We celebrate many holidays by going to synagogue and saying special prayers.

late to shul wet hot american summer

Although again a lot of us are just in it for the food.

matzah ball soup

And the complaining.


I mean some of the food is really weird.

gefilte fish

On the topic of holidays, we don’t celebrate Christmas.

natalie portman christmas tree

But that doesn’t mean we don’t have our own very sacred Christmas traditions.

chinese food

There are many languages involved with Judaism, like Hebrew, Yiddish, and Ladino.


And some of us — not gonna name names! — but some of us are very fluent in the language of guilt.

remember that we suffered

Of course you need to remember that a lot of the above are just stereotypes of the Jewish people.

jewish stereotype

But kinda cause they’re true.

larry david

Okay aliens, hope that cleared things up! And just remember, we come in shalom✌

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