Hello and welcome back to Hey Alma’s advice column on all things Jewish life. Read on for advice from our resident deputy managing editor/bossy Capricorn Jew, and submit your own dilemmas anonymously here.
Hey, Hey Alma,
One of my dear friends is pregnant with her first child (yay!). We’re both Jewish, and I know that culturally and historically, Jews don’t do baby showers because of superstitions, but I decided to throw her a little surprise shower anyway because she’s the first of our friends to have a kid and we’re all so pumped. She was… not happy. I told guests they didn’t need to bring gifts but most did, so she’s making me keep them all at my house and just seems generally pissed at me. She’s not religious so I really didn’t think it would be a big deal. Did I ruin our friendship?
— Baby Shower Gone Wrong
Dear BSGW,
Oh… my God. OK, I have to admit, reading this made me hyperventilate, so I forced myself to take a long walk and many deep breaths before responding. I’ve calmed down a bit, but I must still begin by saying: I’m sorry, but respectfully — WTF?
I’ll say straight away, I don’t think you necessarily ruined the friendship forever, but you have some work to do rebuilding trust after this fiasco. So let’s get into it (and get ready to apologize).
Your dear friend is pregnant with her first child, which yes, is exciting, but can also be pretty stressful on its own. I’ve no idea how old any of you all are or what your friend’s pregnancy journey has been like, but as a 36-year-old lesbian who would like to be pregnant one day and has many friends who have been pregnant and are now parents, I can say confidently that getting pregnant and then experiencing pregnancy are not always fun and/or easy experiences. For some people, it’s all super chill, and mazel to them — but for many people, the act of getting pregnant is challenging, and then the stress that comes with actually carrying out a healthy pregnancy can be high, too. Again, this doesn’t apply to everyone… but even someone having the easiest and happiest of pregnancies is hormonal, juggling a huge life change and absolutely entitled to have their wishes respected when it comes to welcoming their child into the world.
I do think your letter makes it clear you were coming into this with good intentions, which is partly why I don’t think the friendship is ruined forever. You don’t say that your friend explicitly said she didn’t want a shower, and you clarify that you didn’t think it would be a big deal. So I’m going to give you the benefit of the doubt and assume you really thought your friend would enjoy this experience. But then I’m going to ask you some questions, because good intentions do not let you off the hook for accountability. Why on earth would you assume that anyone wants a baby shower, let alone a Jewish person, let alone a surprise baby shower?! Why didn’t you feel compelled to ask your dear friend what she wants at this huge exciting moment in her life, rather than steamrolling ahead with what you wanted behind her back? And honestly, why wouldn’t you default to respecting the traditions and superstitions of Judaism, no matter how religious/observant your friend is? It just feels very clear to me that you were prioritizing your wants and desires, not your friend’s, and she has the right to be pissed at you about that.
So how do you atone? Great news, you do not have to wait for Yom Kippur — I suggest tackling this immediately!
Reach out to your friend via text (so she has time to read your note in private and can respond in her own time) and apologize. Don’t offer excuses or explanations. Just say sorry. “Hey babe, I want to apologize for throwing you a surprise baby shower. I understand it was not what you wanted, and it was not OK for me to make decisions for you about celebrating your pregnancy without checking with you first. You’re my dear friend, I love you, and I’m so sorry I messed up. I’m here to chat about this whenever you’re ready.”
Then I’d leave the ball in her court. When she reaches out (my instinct is that she will, though I suppose if she never does your question about the friendship being ruined would be answered) you can suggest talking on the phone or in person and hash it out a little more, if she seems open to it. The more I marinate on this question, the more I can sense that you were trying to do a kind thing… but I do maintain that throwing anyone a surprise baby shower is not a great idea, and throwing a Jewish person a surprise baby shower is actually unhinged.
We are a very superstitious people. We are a traditional people, often even those of us who are not actually so religious or observant. When my wife started going to conversion classes, she received a book about Judaism and one of the notes in the first few pages included: “Do not tell a Jewish person ‘mazel tov’ if they’re pregnant. They are not holding a healthy baby yet.” Like, this stuff is baked into our culture and our religion SO DEEP. If anyone reading this takes away one truth from my advice column, let it be this: SURPRISE BABY SHOWERS ARE A TERRIBLE IDEA, AND IT IS UNACCEPTABLE TO THROW A SURPRISE BABY SHOWER FOR YOUR JEWISH PAL. This is not to say some Jewish people don’t want to throw or receive a baby shower — of course some do! I’ve been to a couple of really lovely baby showers/baby blessings for Jewish friends before their kids were born, and I’ve even wondered if it’s something I may like one day. But it is simply not something to surprise someone with.
Let this be a lesson to us all, in friendship and frankly in all relationships: When it comes to major life events, it’s a good idea to check in and make sure you’re centering the person who is experiencing the situation most deeply, rather than centering yourself and what you think is appropriate/fun/etc. I do think your friend will forgive you and that one day you two might even laugh about this together — as long as you start taking their wants, needs and boundaries into account now, and sticking to that when their healthy baby (please God) arrives.
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