Season’s greetings, my brothers and sisters! Or are you more like our cousins? Perhaps our great uncle? Also, do you greet the seasons, or do you welcome them with a fun little dance? You people and your fun little dances!
Anyhoo, let’s get to the reason for the season(ing, ha ha, get it? I’m in a grocery store!). It’s almost December 25, which means I’m here to bring you everything you need for Jewish Christma — I mean Channu — or is it Hanukk — your special winter holiday!
While I myself am not a “chosen one,” I hold deep admiration and respect for the Jewish people, which is why I’ll make sure that the top four rows of my Hanuki endcap is filled to the brim with boxes of matzah. I’m talking hundreds of boxes of your favorite fresh, cardboard crackers which you can use to make those traditional matzah houses (don’t forget the gumdrops over in one of the many real — I mean other — holiday aisles!). Of course I’ll throw in some boxes of matzah meal, too. Who do you think I am, the Grinch?!
Under that matzah you’ll find my finest selection of jarred gefilte fish, which I assure you is made from 100% wild-caught gefiltes found off the southern coast of Poland. These ready-to-serve jars make the perfect stocking stuffers for Grammy, Grampa, and even the little ones in your life who can’t yet tell you what they’d rather not eat. Tradition, tradition, am I right??
Now look, I may not be a member of your very educated tribe, but I know Kanuka isn’t just about food. It’s the Festival of Lights (according to the 5-second Google search I performed before placing my bulk order). So if you want candlelight, look no further than my row of authentic Yahrzeit candles made with (kosher!) paraffin wax! Their labels say they burn for 26 hours, and I’m fairly certain there’s no way Chahnkah lasts any longer than that, so just one should do it. A steal!
Thirsty? Check out my collection of grape juice on the bottom row. I’m very impressed that you all take your communion even more seriously than the Catholics! Oy vey!
Now let’s see… what else am I missing… ah! Blue plates! Blue cups! Blue napkins! Blue Gatorade! Blue cheese! Why don’t I just put any item with blue packaging right here in a box for your Jewish wreath-making? (Side note: One of our store employees tried to place boxes of short little multi-colored candles, including RED and GREEN ones, on my display, but I promptly told him to get out of here with that Christian hegemony nonsense. Nice try, David!!!)
Looking for a sweet treat to finish off your Xanixax festivities? Well, you won’t find those offensive chocolate gold coins on my display. It’s 2019; can we not with the anti-Semitic dog whistles?! Have a go at my canned coconut macaroons, instead. They’re very okay! #ThisIsWhatAnAllyLooksLike
Welp, “Blue Christmas” just came on the radio (wait a minute, did Elvis write that one for you folks? What a mensch!) so that’s my cue. To all my Jewish cousins twice, nay, three times removed, let me be the first to wish you a merry Chchchnchchchcha. May your candles be sad and your matzah abundant. Mazel tov!