Inspired by The Toast (RIP)

If Jared Kushner went to your Jewish summer camp, he would insist his parents be the first ones there on opening day. He would walk straight into his cabin without greeting his counselor and claim the bottom bunk closest to the bathroom. He would hang two photos on the wall above his pillow: one of his girlfriend back home, and one of the Harvard campus.

If Jared Kushner went to your Jewish summer camp, you would have a crush on him for three days, which is six years in camp time. The ultimate dream would be holding hands at Havdalah, but you would settle for sitting next to him at Shabbat dinner. The crush would end abruptly when Noah from Cabin 8 looked at you meaningfully during pottery.

If Jared Kushner went to your Jewish summer camp, the girls in your cabin would nickname his dimple “the koosh” and make up songs about it to the tune of “I Want it That Way.” In the talent show, your cabin would perform the song for the entire camp, in a muggy dining hall with terrible acoustics. You would be laughing too hard to care that no one could understand your song. Your cabin would conclude that it was “hilarious.” Twenty years later, you would randomly text your friends, “I never wanna hear you say, I hooked up with the koosh today.”

If Jared Kushner went to your Jewish summer camp, he would be in Cabin Hillel with all the cutest guys, but never quite fit in. For the rest of your life, whenever you pass the Hillel house at college or hear that “If not now, when?” quote, you will think of Jared Kushner standing by himself in the Hillel cabin picture.

If Jared Kushner went to your Jewish summer camp, he would dominate the conversation at the Peace in the Middle East educational program. “I just don’t understand what is so difficult about this,” he would say over and over again, with increasing frustration. During snack after the program, he would eat alone in the corner, stabbing his tiny wooden spoon into his ice cream angrily.

If Jared Kushner went to your Jewish summer camp, he would shower at odd times, just so he could be sure to use the corner shower — the only one with working shower curtains.

If Jared Kushner went to your Jewish summer camp, his counselors would have weekly talks with him about participating during song session. “Song session is for children,” he would tell his counselor. By the last week of camp, he would halfheartedly sing along to “Cats in the Cradle.” Rumors would swirl that there was a tear in his eye.

If Jared Kushner went to your Jewish summer camp, you would see him making out with Rachel on the tetherball court after Kabbalat Shabbat. “But doesn’t he have a girlfriend at home?” you and your friends would whisper. He would claim it never happened, but you would spot them making out three more times: once during Fourth of July fireworks, once behind Cabin 11 before services, and once during the Israeli Scouts concert.

If Jared Kushner went to your Jewish summer camp, he would mention no less than four times that his girlfriend back home is, you guys, the hottest girl in school, for real.

If Jared Kushner went to your Jewish summer camp, your cabin would cheer and whistle whenever a photo of him popped up in the end-of- year slideshow. “These Are the Days” by Natalie Merchant would be playing over the loudspeaker. Jared would be in the back row, making out with Rachel.

If Jared Kushner went to your Jewish summer camp, he would, for some reason, always have access to the camp director’s office. To this day, no one would understand why.

Daci Platt

Daci Platt is a Southerner living and writing in Minneapolis.

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