Like most Australian Jews in their mid-20s, I pretend that I kind of once sort of knew Troye Sivan. In my case, though, it’s true — we used to prank call him during lunch time because he and my friend Rachel were in a situationship. Which is to say, the pop star is firmly rooted in the Australian Jewish landscape, a good Jewish boy who is a Kiddush Hashem to the wider world.
Last week, Sivan launched a lifestyle brand called Tsu Lange Yor, which means “to long years” in Yiddish, that includes perfumes, candles and a dreidel that has no letters, isn’t particularly usable and costs $1800. I’m still not quite sure what to make of this, but I am overwhelmed with emotion. I assume the $1800 price tag is a nod to “chai” (18 is the numerical value of the Hebrew word for “life”). But I can’t for the chai of me understand any other part of it. Why is it letterless? How am I supposed to know what letter I land on and how much gelt to take? Why would you make an object that is supposed to be handled by grubby, chocolate-gelt-covered fingers out of a smudgeable metal? Why does it need an ornate stand? Who is the demographic for this expensive, useless dreidel?
All that aside, I have huge respect for my best friend Troye’s new venture. In fact, Troye — and I speak to you directly now — I have a bunch of other suggestions for some Unusable, Super Expensive Judaica items we can collab on and sell for over $1000.
1. A menorah where all of the oil holders are upside down and there’s nowhere to put candles. This will cost $8000, to symbolize the eight nights of Hanukkah.
2. A solid gold, incredibly heavy version of those plush Torah toys for toddlers. It should be so heavy that a 5-year-old can’t even lift it. It should also be very shiny and prone to getting smudged. This should cost $10,000 AT LEAST.
3. A havdalah set where the kiddush cup is an old glass candle holder, and the besamim (nice smelling spices) and the multi-wicked havdalah candle are combined into one, and surprise!!!!! It’s one of the candles from his collection!!!!!!! This is actually a good idea he should legit consider. I will ask for a very understandable 30% of all sales in perpetuity. This set will cost $750.
4. A beekeeper helmet where the safety mesh is made of pure silver chainmail and it comes with a functional beehive that you can use to harvest honey in the lead up to Rosh Hashanah. This is a subscription service that will cost $250 a month for hive upkeep plus a one-off $3400 fee for the helmet.
5. A silver mezuzah case, except where you usually put the scroll, you can store a joint in it. Again, this isn’t the worst idea in the world and if my best friend Troye doesn’t use it, someone else should. It costs $3000.
6. A tallit that is also a gray weighted blanket. It is impossible to use in synagogue services because it is so heavy that you can’t stand up when it’s draped over you. This costs $1000.
7. A silver shofar that sounds like a kazoo when you blow it. This costs $99 and is the cheapest thing on the website.
Troye, my best friend and closest confidant, if you like any of these ideas just let me know so we can start production immediately. If you don’t like any, I’ll start brainstorming some new ones for the low price of $1800.
