Over the course of two seasons on the CW, Crazy Ex-Girlfriend has delivered top-notch musical comedy. From a song about UTIs that will be stuck in your head until the end of the time to a flawless Ed Sheeran parody, we are never disappointed. And the best part? The Jewishness of it all! Rebecca Bunch (played by the hilarious and beautiful Rachel Bloom), is a neurotic Jewish lawyer who leaves her life in Manhattan to move to West Covina, California, where her old camp boyfriend (Josh) just happens to live.
To prepare for Season 3 which starts Friday, October 13 (spooooky), we’ve categorized all the songs from least to most Jewish. Yes, you read that right: all 70 songs (minus the reprisals. Sorry, we love you reprisals, but you’re irrelevant). There have been rankings of Crazy Ex-Girlfriend songs from season one and season two based on quality, but we’re taking a different approach.
The following songs are ranked using our highly unscientific method of “that song resonates with me, a young Jewish woman, or I can think of someone Jewish that this song applies to.” Also: we’ve broken them down into five categories to help you read the list easier.
The Top 3:
1. Remember that We Suffered: The best Crazy Ex-Girlfriend song, hands down. Not only does it feel perfectly in line with any bar mitzvah celebration, it captures Jewish attitudes perfectly. While they dance the hora, Patti LuPone and Tovah Feldshuh sing about the sufferings of the Jews.
2. Where’s the Bathroom: Klezmer style, about a Jewish mom complaining and needing to use the bathroom (plus the amazing line “a bishop in Wisconsin said something anti-Semitic / so the temple has decided to boycott cheddar cheese”).
3. JAP Battle: This song was purely for the show’s Jewish audience, and it was perfect. Every reference in this song—including AP weighted grades, “sheket bevaka shut the fuck up,” AEPI guys, Birthright, ACLU, Scarsdale, shtetl, “of course, I support Israel”—made me laugh so hard.
Not not Jewish songs:
4. After Everything I’ve Done for You (That You Didn’t Ask For):Picture your mom/grandma singing this to you. Yeah. Maybe a bit crazy (blackmail, stalking), but what Jewish mother wouldn’t go that far for their offspring?
5. Settle For Me: About Rebecca settling for Greg… also can be extrapolated to a theme song for JSwipe?
6. We’ll Never Have Problems Again: For that delusional, toxic couple in your life.
7. It Was a Shit Show: About a relationship that went south. Again: not not
8. I Give Good Parent: About Rebecca impressing Josh’s mom, featuring lyrics like “Skilled seductress, I will kill and crush this / This is my business and I’m built for success.” If this mindset isn’t yours while meeting your significant other’s parents for the first time, you’re doing something wrong.
9. So Maternal: When Rebecca babysits Paula’s son, this song pops up as a nice parody of Mommy blogs everywhere.
10. You Stupid Bitch: Feeling self-hatred, blaming yourself for everything, etc. This ballad is perfect for wallowing in self-pity.
11. I Have Friends: About the main character’s fake friends. We’ve all struggled with feeling like our friend group isn’t real / leaving us out, and while this isn’t specifically Jewish, it fits in this “not not Jewish” category.
12. I Could If I Wanted To: The song of every fuckboy who thinks “I could get an A if I wanted to get an A / But who cares about an A? I don’t.”
13. Gettin’ Bi: An ‘80s pop ballad to come out as bisexual. We’re here for it.
14. West Covina: Overthinking “that sounds great,” nervous breakdowns over a camp boyfriend, the usual.
15. I’m a Good Person: “I’m a good person, and if you ask why / I’ll spit my good right into your eye.” If someone who gives off ~*holier than thou~* vibes didn’t just come to mind, I encourage you to just go look at some college friends on LinkedIn.
16. (Tell Me I’m Okay) Patrick: When you just need some outside validation in your life.
17. What A Rush To Be A Bride: A song for all the bridezillas out there (but also a parody song about all the bridezillas out there).
18. His Status is Preferred: Paula sings about Calvin, a man who has preferred travel status from all his miles.
19. Angry Mad: The only lyrics to this song are “Angry! Mad! My heart is hurting! And it feels…bad! Punching! Feeling! Crying! Dah! Bad!” We’ve all had those days. Most of them happen to coincide with not eating bagels during Passover.
20. The Math of Love Triangles: Marilyn Monroe was Jewish. Did you know this!?! She converted when dating Arthur Miller. This spot-on Marilyn parody, therefore, is the 20th most Jewish Crazy Ex-Girlfriend song.
For all the millennial (Jewish) women:
21. Research Me Obsessively: The tale of online stalking an ex’s new girl. We’ve all gotten that deep into her college roommate’s cousin’s little brother’s dog’s Instagram.
22. Sex With A Stranger: The “please don’t be a murderer” experience often felt when going on a Tinder/JSwipe/Bumble date. Yep.
23. Friendtopia: The Spice Girls parody you didn’t know you needed, where a clique rules a dystopian society.
24. The Sexy Getting Ready Song: We all feel this pain.
25. Textmergency: Have you ever sceenshotted a text and then sent it back to the person you screenshotted? Same. This song perfectly captures that panic.
26. Oh My God I Think I Like You: When you develop feelings for your casual hook-up. SOS.
27. I’m In a Sexy French Depression: As per the genius annotations on the song, “Taking a cue from Lana Del Rey and her song ‘Summertime Sadness’’s music video where, as Rachel Bloom puts it, ‘…there’s literally a music video where she jumps off a cliff, but it’s like with an Instagram filter…’”
28. Women Gotta Stick Together: About fake feminism! Co-opting feminist rhetoric for critiques of other women. Reminds me of a certain pop star with a victim complex…
29. Group Hang: A Shakira-esque song about the enemy of romance: the group hang.
30. Having a Few People Over: This song reminds me of bad college pregames. It’s heavily EDM with just one lyric: “Having a few people over.”
31. Ping Pong Girl: The parody of the “cool girl,” but in this fantasy, the cool girl is good at ping pong because the game is sexy but unthreatening to masculinity.
32. Love Kernels: Reading too much into texts? Dreaming of starring in a Beyoncé-esque music video? Same.
33. I’m So Good At Yoga: As someone who is terrible at yoga, but wishes she weren’t, this resonates with me. Hence putting it in this category.
34. Let’s Have Intercourse: The visuals for this Ed Sheeran parody are worth a watch, but this song just speaks to your core regarding that one person you wonder… what if.
35. Feeling Kinda naughty: Inspired by Katy Perry’s “I Kissed a Girl,” this is a violent song with lyrics like, “I want to lock you in a basement but in that basement / you could also be my personal trainer / (I want your abs!)”
36. We Should Definitely Not Have Sex Right Now: But, not like in a non-consensual way but in a “this is a bad idea because we’re bad together” type of way.
37. Put Yourself First: The Fifth Harmony parody about feeling sexy “for yourself” (but really “for him”).
38. Period Sex: Admit it. (Fun fact: the CW never actually aired this song, it was only released on the soundtrack. Prudes.)
39. Makey Makeover: Reminds me of annoying middle schoolers.
40. Heavy Boobs: Finally, a song that talks about the pain of having heavy boobs.
41. I Gave You a UTI: Exactly what the title says. But it’s so catchy that you’ll find yourself singing, “I gave you a UTI-I-I” after listening to the song once, and with a strong desire to drink cranberry juice.
42. One Indescribable Instant: “It all falls into place / in one indescribable instant / your dreams wiill all come true.” When it comes down to it, we’re all romantics at heart.
43. I’m Just a Girl In Love: The season 2 theme, about Jewish heroine Rebecca Bunch.
44. We Tapped That Ass: Imagine if your exes sang a song to you about where you hooked up? This would be that song.
45. You Go First: Two friends making up after a big fight, but neither wanting to apologize first.
46. You’re My Best Friend (And I know I’m Not Yours): The title says it all. We all have had this friend at one point in life.
Too Plot Heavy So They Didn’t Fit Anywhere Else On the List:
47. Stuck in the Bathroom: A song when one of the characters gets stuck in the bathroom. TBH, I was going to put this in the “not not Jewish” section, because I personally have been stuck in the bathroom, but figured it was too narrow of an experience.
48. Rebecca’s Reprise: Before the end of Season 2, Rebecca sings this mash-up of four of her previous songs. Heartbreaking to know what happens next (I won’t spoil you).
49. A Boy Band Made Up of Four Joshes: While we love Vincent Rodriguez III, the throwback to ‘90s boy bands, and hints at psychological dysfunction, this is totally a plot-related song.
50. Duh!: Josh realizing he loves Rebecca
51. Triceratops Ballet: Plays while Rebecca & Valencia are tripping at a festival.
52. Who’s The New Guy: A meta commentary on adding a white, straight, male character to help with ratings.
53. George’s Turn: A short bit about an underused character.
54. Clean Up on Aisle 4: A character expresses his love in a grocery store with the metaphor, “cause I’m the pimento to your olive / I wanna be inside of you.”
55. Dear Joshua Felix Chan: A love letter from Rebecca to Josh. Again, #ForThePlot
56. What’ll It Be?: About Greg working in a bar on Thanksgiving. Sad parody of “Piano Man.”
57. Where Is the Rock?: About Rebecca breaking into Josh’s house.
58. Cold Showers: Homage to “Ya Got Trouble” from The Music Man, features Rebecca and her team convincing an apartment building the cold showers will lead to their children on crack.
59. Flooded with Justice: The follow up to “Cold Showers,” this Les Miserables parody is about the justice for cold showers in an apartment building.
60. I’m the Villain in My Own Story: A meta Disney villain tune for Rebecca. Catchy (and great visuals!) but cannot apply to others. (Unless you feel like the villain in your own story. In which case, I apologize.)
61. Dream Ghosts: Rebecca’s therapist comes to her in a dream, Dreamgirls
62. Maybe This Dream: Paula playing a kind of fucked-up Disney princess.
63. The Trent is Getting Ready Song: Trent, Rebecca’s stalker, gets a short song.
Not Jewish Songs:
64. Thought Bubbles: Most Jewish friends I know are pessimists at heart. This song—about an optimist trying not think bad thoughts—doesn’t vibe with us hypochondriacs.
65. Santa Ana Winds, pts. 1-5: Love this personification of Santa Ana Winds, but real talk, are there any Jews in Santa Ana??
66. Man Nap: Who doesn’t love a good nap? We don’t need to be convinced.
67. I Love My Daughter (But Not in a Creepy Way): This fun country music parody just doesn’t vibe with the anxious, overbearing Jewish parents.
68. Greg’s Drinking Song: Literally a parody of an Irish drinking song. Wrong culture!
69. Face Your Fears: Gospel-inspired song that includes encouragement to “stare at the sun” and “don’t have an epi-pen ready.” The messages in this song are the antithesis of every Jewish mother
70. California Christmastime: Christmas automatically drops this number to the bottom of the list. (Even though many Christmas songs were written by Jews!) Sorry, this is no “Christmastime for the Jews.”
OK because this is the most subjective rating, which song resonates with *you* the most? Tweet us @hey_alma and look out for an updated list at the end of Season 3.
Image via YouTube/screenshot