A good swimsuit has a few key components. It should fit well, be both stylish and comfortable, make you feel confident in your body, and, above all else, be waterproof.
The swimsuits in this article will meet almost none of that criteria.
What they lack in quality, however, they make up for in having Jewish themes and absolutely unhinged design choices. Do I think Hey Alma readers will actually buy these swimsuits? No. Do I think Hey Alma should buy these swimsuits? Also no. But I believe there is virtue in mocking corporations when they all but ignore Jewish consumers except when making insane products that no one wants. (Just don’t ask me what virtue that is.)
So, here are the five most unhinged Jewish swimsuits you could possibly wear to the beach this summer. All courtesy of Walmart.
1. Noah’s Ark Two-Piece ($26.99)
What’s the best way to make an athletic style bikini fashionable? Design it like a Jewish child’s picture book, obviously. And not just any picture book, but the one where the entire world is destroyed by a biblical flood. So yeah, have fun at the beach!
2. Shavuot (???) Trunks ($19.80)
Well, first of all, Walmart, these are Rosh Hashanah swim trunks, not Shavuot swim trunks, so jot that down. Unless those doves are made of cheesecake. In which case, congrats! You still horribly missed the mark!
Also, in a rare feat of extreme gentile tomfoolery, Walmart also missed the mark for Rosh Hashanah. I know it can be hard to keep track of what Jewish year it is, but 5774 was 10 YEARS AGO. Imagine going to the beach this summer wearing a sign on your crotch that says, “Happy New Year 2013!”
3. Passover One-Piece ($24.60)
I only have one coherent thought about this… Why does the matzah have Donald Trump hair?!
4. Jewish American Heritage Month Trunks ($22.99)
Side-stepping the fact that not all American Jews have a relationship with Israel as these trunks imply: Nothing says Jewish Pride more than the phrase “Jewish American Heritage Month” scrawled across some dude’s crotch. But never fear! It’s also scrawled across the butt. Plus, if you zoom in on the crotch (something I would very rarely recommend), the pattern doesn’t quite line-up for some added flair.
An extra “ge” and half an “R” for the price of one? A steal!
Oh, and one more thing: Stop putting writing across the crotch, Walmart! It’s weird!
5. Hanukkah Bikini ($27.99)
I take it back. Put whatever writing you want across a swimsuit crotch, Walmart. Just please, I’m begging you, destroy this unholy bikini. Or, as my partner said when I showed her this monstrosity, “Uh… oh. Oh? Oh… no. N-No. Oh, no. No, no, no. NO!”
The only possible explanation for this swimsuit is that a 19th-century Jewish family was cursed to eternal damnation on a Walmart bikini. And the only way to remove the antisemitic wizard’s curse is to BURN this bikini with a menorah on the last night of Hanukkah. I say that’s the only possible explanation because surely, that theory is more plausible than this design being approved by a rational human person. Or this AI mock-up:
You know what makes me really, really want to buy a swimsuit? The idea that I could be this woman: perfectly tanned and skinny at the beach, holding on to my performatively large sunhat and enjoying an orange cocktail, not a care in the world, WHILE JEWISH CHILDREN SCREAM OUT OF MY ASS.
What an everywoman. What a relatable queen, indeed.
Final Thoughts
Well, there you have it. The five most unhinged Jewish bathing suits we could find online. If you do end up buying any of these swimsuits, send pix. And if you head to the beach this summer remember to wear sunscreen, stay hydrated and beware of cursed Jewish children on bikinis.
