Hello Hey Alma community,
A long time ago, at the beginning of my meme career, Hey Alma asked me to write a list of Jewish Pick Up Lines for them. And now, I guess they’re desperate for content again because I’m back, baby!!!!
Picture this: You’re sitting in synagogue on Rosh Hashanah or Yom Kippur. You’ve spent the morning dodging old bubbes who keep trying to pinch your cheeks, friends of your dad who keep trying to talk about stocks or business, and little kids with sticky hands who are very loud and touchy. Across the aisle, you see a cutie you haven’t seen since last year. You have an hour or so before you bump into them in the lobby. You have one chance to impress them and maybe crack a date and make your mother cry by bringing home a Nice Jewish Person.
So here you go — a list of pick up lines to land you a Jottie (Jewish hottie) during the High Holidays. They may or may not work. But I bet they will.
1. God may write us all into The Book of Life, but you’re the only person in my Book of Love.
2. [This works for a childhood friend] Girl are you a siman (sign in Hebrew), because I’ve been looking for you everywhere and also my grandmother keeps insisting it’ll be good for me.
3. Baby you must be a symbolic fish head, because you’ve got me wanting to be fruitful and multiply (before anyone tells me that it’s for the head of the year, a fish ALSO symbolizes fertility).
4. Girl are you a honey cake on Yom Kippur? Because I’d like to be eating you at the end of the night.
5. Baby you must be Unetaneh Tokef, because you’ve got me thinking about my future (and worried about an untimely demise).
6. You must be a Tekiah Gedolah because you take my breath away.
7. Girl are you a Rosh Hashanah challah? Because you’re sweet as hell, and just as round 👀
8. If you’re great at blowing the shofar, I’d bet you’d love to help me blow something else (do NOT say this to anyone unless you plan on getting them to help you blow up a bunch of balloons to help celebrate the world’s birthday).
9. God might be our father and king, but do you wanna be my daddy? (This made me feel so icky to write I’m so sorry.)
10. Girl you must be a jar of honey because I wanna dip my apple in you 😉 (and also I am struggling to get the lid off and oh my God I’ve spilled it everywhere oh God I’m so sorry hey mom how do I get honey stains out of a tablecloth?).
11. [This one’s for lesbians only] How about we make this date last for two days?
12. You must be a delicious carrot dish because i’m tzim-ping over you 😌 (this is a tzimmes joke).
13. Hey girl, are you a fish in this nearby body of water? Because I want to tell you my deepest secrets and throw crumbs at you.
14. Well you must be a chicken and this must be kaparot because you’re just going around and around my head.
There you have it — 14 lines guaranteed to get you a date, or in the very least a hook up in the synagogue bathroom.
