All the Places I Can Finally Eat Doritos Now That They’re ‘Lady-Friendly’

Good news, ladies who eat! There’s a new product coming down the pike from the geniuses behind Doritos that will finally allow women to eat chips without letting on to the whole world that you’re eating chips because everybody knows that is NOT OKAY.

Doritos has announced a new line of “lady-friendly” chips that won’t crunch so loudly while you eat them because “research” has shown that ladies don’t like that.

As The Sun reports:

Global chief exec Indra Nooyi said: “Although women would love to crunch crisps loudly, lick their fingers and pour crumbs from the bag into their mouth afterwards, they prefer not to do this in public.

The “low crunch” Doritos will also come in special packaging designed to easily slip inside ladies’ handbags, which means that we can finally take our snacks on the go with us and eat them without fear that someone will know we eat.

As a lady who loves chips, I for one cannot wait to eat them in all the places I’ve been dreaming about eating them ever since I was a little girl who was told I could be anything I wanted to be when I grew up. Here are just a few of the locations you can bet you’ll find me noiselessly eating my lady chips as soon as they hit the market. Thanks, Doritos!

1. While on a date with a man! 

bojack horseman

Picture it: You’re drinking your cosmo on an almost-empty stomach because you ordered a salad at dinner (obviously). Normally you’d have to suffer through the pain until you can get home and eat your precious carbs in the privacy of your own home, but now every time your date takes out his phone to definitely not check his Tinder, you can surreptitiously reach into your handbag, pull out a single chip, and silently chew away. Sweet Nacho Cheese!

2. At your high-powered job!

kramer eating crackers

You’ve worked your way to the top, getting into a top-notch college, interning at all the right places, and landed that dream job where you earn 78 cents on the dollar compared to your male coworkers while working twice as hard! But there’s just one problem: come 2 in the afternoon, you could really use a snacky snack. If your male boss hears you chomping away on chips, you risk losing everything you’ve worked so hard for. Thank goodness for quiet Cool Ranch.

3. On the subway!

broad city subway scene

There’s nothing like getting hungry on the train, but not wanting to make a big scene of it. To your left is a man clipping his toenails and to your right someone is consuming what appears to be one of the turkey legs you get at renaissance fairs, but what’s a classy lady supposed to do when her tummy’s rumbling? Silent Spicy Nacho it is. Score!

4. In your apartment!

patrick eating burger in bed

I know that Big Dorito Science found that women have issues crunching loudly on chips in public, but let’s face it — it’s a bit uncouth to do so at home, too. If you live with roommates, or God forbid, a significant other, you risk being heard and facing the consequences of having your friends or loved ones know that your teeth do, in fact, make sounds when hitting upon crispy foods. Even if you live alone, think of what the neighbors would think if they were passing by your door and heard that mess. Play it safe and eat your Poppin’ Jalapeño chips in complete silence like the Lord intended.

Where are you looking forward to eating your lady chips now that 2018 has finally given what women have been asking for all along?

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