Hey, Hey Alma,
I don’t know what to do. My friend from college is getting married, and I’m a bridesmaid. Her maid of honor, another college friend, has been planning a bachelorette weekend trip in another city. She had first proposed a weekend when another bridesmaid had her dad’s birthday party, so she scratched that and planned it for October 12. I originally said yes and then a couple days later realized that’s Yom Kippur.
I said something to the MOH as soon as I realized and she said she already put down a deposit and couldn’t change it now. I said I would be happy to cover the deposit money but she said it was impossible to find a time that would work for everyone. I mentioned this all to the bride and she said that while she really hoped I could come, she also didn’t think we could change the date because everything was already in the works.
Back in college I wasn’t religious at all and I never observed Yom Kippur, but over the past few years I have been engaging with my Judaism a lot more and they both know that it’s important to me (the bride is Jewish, too, but not observant). So now I don’t know what to do, and if I have a right to be mad (and at who). I want to be there, but I also want to observe the holiday that’s taken on a lot of meaning for me. What do you think?
Ugh, this sucks! Sometimes that’s the truest thing I think when I read an advice question — this is really just a situation that sucks. I’m really sorry.
I think it’s fair to feel very bummed out and a little let down here, but I also think ultimately, I don’t know that your friend has done anything wrong. Multiple things can be true. Here are some truths that come to mind for me when I mull over your conundrum:
- It doesn’t feel good to be excluded from a trip you’d like to attend
- Planning a trip for multiple adults is always tricky and it’s possible scheduling would have been challenging regardless of the High Holidays
- It doesn’t feel good to think that someone close enough to invite you to be a bridesmaid isn’t able to prioritize your religious commitments
- You did initially agree to this date
- It was very generous to offer to cover the deposit money in exchange for picking a new date
- The bride just probably doesn’t want to worry about this or deal with it while she plans for the wedding
- Yom Kippur has taken on a lot of meaning for you
- TBH it’s annoying because WOULD they plan this trip on Christmas?
- On the other hand, the bride is also Jewish even if she’s not observant, so maybe they would plan this trip on Christmas?!
- No one is forcing you to attend this trip if you’d rather observe Yom Kippur (in fact it sounds like the bride has made it clear it’s your decision and she’ll respect whatever you decide)
So, to summarize: oy! Your question is about what you should do and how you should feel. I’m going to address them in the opposite order that you presented them, because I think how you end up feeling will dictate what you end up doing.
Do I Have a Right To Be Mad?
My mom spent many years as a preschool teacher, and something she always taught her students is that it’s OK to feel your feelings. This is as true for adults as it is for toddlers. Whatever your feelings are, you can — and should! — feel them. Our feelings aren’t always logical or rational, but they are messages from our brains and our hearts and our bodies relaying something. That’s why there’s no use in judging them or pushing them away; it’s useful to let the feeling wash over you, sit with it and then decide if you actually need to take any action because of it or if it was just a big wave of emotion that can pass on its own.
It’s not my place to tell you if you have a right to be mad — you have a right to feel any feeling you have! It may feel unfair to you that a friend’s dad’s birthday was accommodated but your religion — which you share with the bride! — wasn’t. It may feel frustrating that even after you offered to absorb the cost, the people planning this weekend didn’t want to change things. It may just feel painful to hear “I hope you can come but I understand if you decide not to,” because we all want to feel wanted, even though putting pressure on you to attend would be objectively worse. I think the question to ask here is not, “Do I have a right to feel my feelings?” but rather, “How can I honor all of my feelings?”
It may help to talk this through with a therapist or a trusted friend (who is not part of the bachelorette party/friend group and will not gossip with the bride or MOH about your feelings). It may also help to journal or even just make a list of how you’re feeling. Once your emotions are reflected back by a friend or written down, it will be easier to see them clearly and give yourself space to feel them.
What Should I Do?
This is annoying to hear, but sadly, I cannot make the choice of whether to attend this bachelorette trip or skip it to observe Yom Kippur for you. My cliche advice is that you should do what feels right for you. Ugh, the worst, I know! (I’m kidding, I’m kidding. Getting to know ourselves and living with integrity and self-respect to honor our needs is hard and decidedly unfun at times, but it’s actually the key to loving ourselves and creating a life that we’re happy to live — which makes it the best, even when it’s rough!)
My sense is that it’s important to you to observe Yom Kippur, and so I think unfortunately that means you’ll be missing the bachelorette weekend. Simply the fact that you took the time to write in to us about this tells me that this is on your mind and is weighing on you, which hints at the fact that this is not a low-key commitment for you.
If you sit down and think about it though, and that feels untrue, perhaps it would feel OK to miss observing Yom Kippur this year and go to the bachelorette weekend instead. Like I said, from reading your question, my gut tends to think your gut is not going to feel comfortable doing that, but truly, only you can decide for yourself.
I do think it’s clear that no one in this situation is intending to hurt you, and so while there’s a lot of internal work to do to figure out what should be done, the external action items are quite simple.
- Make the choice that feels right for you.
- Inform the MOH and bride ASAP so they can plan accordingly.
- Do something meaningful on Yom Kippur.
- Get ready to enjoy the wedding.
Like I said at the beginning, this situation sucks and I wish you didn’t have to deal with it. But on the bright side, the fact that you’ve connected with your Judaism over the past few years is incredibly special, and I suspect that will sustain you for years and years. It also sounds like your friendship with the bride is secure, and that won’t change from you missing one weekend trip over the course of your lives. And if we’re being very, very honest… many bachelorette weekends are not that fun. In the long run, you may end up grateful if you miss this one — even if the alternative is fasting all day at synagogue 😉
Do you have a Jewish or Jewish-adjacent dilemma and want our advice? Submit a question anonymously and we’ll do our best to answer it!
