Editorial note: Spoilers ahead for season two of “Nobody Wants This.”
🎶 Hey, oooooo, is this illegal? Hey, oooo, it feels illegal. 🎶
As I was watching season two of Hot Rabbi Show “Nobody Wants This,” the number one question I kept asking myself wasn’t: Are Noah and Joanne going to end up together? It wasn’t even: Is Joanne going to convert? Rather, the inquiry I returned to time and again this season was: Wait, is that illegal?
Now, there are certainly plenty of plot points and moments this season that feel spiritually illegal; Sasha predicting what a potential second child for him and Esther could look like by mashing-up his face with his daughter’s, for example. And Temple Ahava, period.
But I’m not talking about that. I’m talking about serious, hard crime. The kind of stuff that could actually get you arrested — or, at least taken to court.
So I’ve decided to recount every potentially illegal act I could find in season two of Netflix’s “Nobody Wants This,” reveal whether or not it’s illegal and if so, offer what I think the punishment should be. No, I am not a lawyer. But I do have impeccable research skills, I don’t believe in the carceral system and my close friend recently passed the Bar exam, so…
Gavel! Gavel! Gavel! The court is now in session.
Charge #1: Religious discrimination in the workplace
Defendant: Temple Chai
At the end of episode one, Noah learns that he’s been passed over for a promotion at Temple Chai because he’s dating Joanne, who isn’t Jewish. Outgoing Senior Rabbi Cohen admits as much when he tells Noah, “We can’t have a whole congregation waiting to see if your girlfriend is going to convert.” Temple Chai hires Rabbi Noah Field instead.
OK, so, after consulting with bona fide lawyers, I’ve learned there’s something called the “ministerial exception” to the First Amendment. This gives employers a wide berth in the hiring (and firing) of employees in “ministerial” roles, ex. a hot rabbi. Whereas any other employer couldn’t discriminate based on an employee or potential employee’s religion, or the religion of their parter, Temple Chai is covered.
Ruling: Frankly, I’m annoyed that this isn’t illegal. But whatever. I do believe it’s in Noah’s best interest to move on from Temple Chai. Temple Chai’s karmic punishment is no longer having a hot rabbi. (Sorry to Rabbi Noah Field, you’re not hot.)
Charge #2: Vandalism
Defendant: Morgan
After witnessing a CyberTruck nearly run down a woman and her child, Morgan spots that same car in a parking lot. She keys it in retaliation, citing “Street justice!”
Ruling: So this is very clearly illegal. Under California law, keying a car is considered vandalism. *Tevye voice* But on the other hand… That driver was being extremely reckless and CyberTrucks suck. I sentence Morgan to paying restitution to the CyberTruck owner, but she’s allowed to pay via Monopoly Money. Street justice!
Charge #3: Exploitation
Defendant: Dr. Andy
In episode three, Morgan introduces her family to her new boyfriend: Her therapist, Dr. Andy. Or, technically, ex-therapist. They claim to have had a final session the week prior, but the timeline of when Morgan and Dr. Andy’s therapeutic, doctor-patient relationship ended and their intimate romantic relationship began is very unclear.
Either way, it’s supremely unethical for Dr. Andy to have pursued Morgan. But if they’ve had sex, Dr. Andy has also breached Business and Professions Code Section 729. This code states that it’s a crime for therapists and patients to engage in sex acts. If a former therapist and former client want to have sex, they must wait at least two years to the ending of their relationship.
Plus, later in the season, we learn that Dr. Andy dated a patient before Morgan!
Ruling: Ew. Immediate jail for Dr. Andy. And I’m taking away his therapist’s license, too.
Charge #4: Vandalism
Defendant: Abby Loves Smoothies
At her baby’s baby naming ceremony, Abby Loves Smoothies (aka Abby Kaplan) admits to cutting the hair of one Felicity Merriman. Felicity Merriman is, of course, an American Girl doll who belonged to one Joanne 20 years ago. Is this a major crime? No, certainly not. Is it a crime against girlhood and also vandalism? Yes, yes it is.
Ruling: Considering the crime occurred when Abby Loves Smoothies was a minor, and that it’s unclear whether there’s a statute of limitations on giving an American Girl Doll a f*** a** bob, I’ll sentence Abby to time served*.
*Having to endure middle school with Joanne and Morgan.
Charge #5: Vandalism
Defendant: Joanne
In an episode of her podcast, which is public and available for anyone to listen to, Joanne admits to throwing up in the pool at her apartment complex, doing $3,000 worth of damage. She also admits to lying to her landlord Fabrizio about it. What could go wrong?! It’s not like Morgan is going to run into Fabrizio and tell him to listen to the episode!
Ruling: Girl, you should’ve cleaned the pool. (Or paid for someone else to do it.) I hereby sentence Joanne to 100 hours of community service.
Charge #6: Theft and attempted computer hacking
Defendant: Morgan and Sasha
After Morgan discovers that Dr. Andy has dated another patient before her, she starts to wonder what else he hasn’t told her. She subsequently takes Dr. Andy’s phone without his knowledge (theft); and enlists the help of Sasha to take it to an unbranded Apple store to try to break into it (attempted hacking).
“And so you want me to illegally break into his phone and help you out?”, hot help desk employee Terry asks. He goes on, “If you find yourself here at my little help desk asking me to break into your fiancé’s phone because you don’t trust him, don’t you think you already have the answer you’re looking for, Morgan?”
So wise, hot Terry.
Ruling: Just kiss already, Morgan and Sasha.
Charge #7: Wrongful eviction
Defendant: Fabrizio
Well, well, well, podcast confessions come home to roost. Fabrizio does listen to Joanne’s podcast and hears her admission of guilt re: the pool vomit situation. He must have begun the eviction process because shortly thereafter, Joanne receives a notice to vacate on her door.
Ruling: This is actually legal. A notice to vacate begins the legal process of eviction, though it does allow a tenant to amend the ways they’ve breached their lease agreement. In this case, Fabrizio likely gave Joanne the option of paying for the cost of draining the pool or leaving the premises. A notice to vacate also gives tenants an avenue to fight the eviction, so Joanne could go to court if she wanted.
Either way, I have such a distaste for eviction because everybody needs a place to live. So in this fictitious court of law, I’m actually siding with Joanne. And no, I’m not biased, because this is the first time I’ve ever sided with Joanne.
I’ll give you a choice, Fabrizio. Either you let Joanne stay (and pay restitution), let her move in with you while she looks for a new place or fix Noah and Joanne’s relationship so they can move in together. Choose wisely.
