This Comedian Doesn’t Want You to Forget That Jerry Seinfeld Once Dated a High School Student

"You ever notice how girlfriends are always talking about math homework?"

Here are a few facts about Jerry Seinfeld: he co-created Seinfeld; he loves cars; he enjoys observational humor; he once dated a 17-year-old when he was 38. Yup!

In news that he would most likely want the world to forget, back when the stand-up comedian was 38, AKA a full adult man, he dated a 17-year-old high school student named Shoshanna Lonstein. Lonstein was a senior at a Manhattan high school at the time they met, during which “Seinfeld would show up at Lonstein’s parents’ apartment and whisk her away,” according to Gawker. Yikes. The two remained an item even after she went off to college at George Washington University — after a year, she transferred to UCLA to be closer to Seinfeld. They reportedly dated for three years, and even almost got married.

Back when this was happening in the mid ’90s, there was some talk about the “age factor,” though mostly the couple was given the classic celebrity couple treatment, gracing the cover of People magazine in 1994, which promised a peek inside their “unlikely romance.” But through 2019 glasses, this story is very much one giant ick. Thanks to the #MeToo movement and a larger conversation around power dynamics and sex, it’s hard to stomach the idea of a hugely successful TV star picking up a literal high school student who still lives with her parents.

I’m sure Jerry Seinfeld — who has been married to Jessica Seinfeld for 20 years, with whom he has three children — would prefer for this story to go away for good. But with comedians like Jeremy Kaplowitz around, that’s not likely to happen.

At an annual Halloween comedy show in New York City with the delightfully perfect name, “Shtick or Treat,” comedians take the stage not as themselves but as a fellow comedian and perform a set in character. As Vulture reports, this year’s show, which took place on October 28, featured some truly excellent comedians in disguise, including a “Bernie Mac Sanders” mash-up, but the performance getting a lot of attention today was Jeremy Kaplowitz’s impression of Jerry Seinfeld, which was made up entirely of jokes about dating a high school student.

In a signature Seinfeld question joke, Kaplowitz opens with, “You ever notice how girlfriends are always talking about math homework?” The crowd immediately gets the reference and bursts into laughter. The hits keep coming from Kaplowitz, who opines as Seinfeld, “Girlfriends, all they talk about is going to science class. A girlfriend’s life revolves around home. They’ve got homework, homeroom, and they want to run away from home and live with their 38-year-old celebrity boyfriends.”

“I met my girlfriend’s parents the other day,” Kaplowitz goes on. “Why is it that girlfriend parents are the same age as you?” He then goes into a bit about going to prom as both a date and a chaperone and closes with one more dig at Seinfeld: “Before I go, please check out my new TV show: Comedians in Cars Teaching Their Girlfriends How to Drive For the Road Test.”

Now that is an excellent stand-up routine. Thanks for the important reminder, Kaplowitz.

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