The DIY “isolation loaf” is unequivocally the official quarantine hobby. Everyone and their mother’s favorite celebrity is baking bread: Khloe Kardashian made French toast out of a hot loaf, Alex Borstein baked challah for Shabbat, and Anna Farris found some “old yeast” and made her son eat a piping hot brick of carbs. The latest to hop on the trend? Trojan Condoms.
As part of a quarantine campaign no one asked for, earlier this week Trojan released its new cookbook: Rising Time. The 69-paged (nice) e-book, made to “remind couples that they could be having sex right now,” includes “sensual bread recipes” and “surprisingly erotic bread photography” (can we all agree it’s a given that bread is erotic?). While your bread is rising, they say, you could be grinding — with one of their condoms, of course.
Out of the 25 recipes best “paired with a condom,” Big Babka Energy is clearly the most sensual (best paired with Trojan’s Magnum Ribbed condom), and it’s already making waves on the internet. But that’s not the only Jewish recipe featured in Rising Time — the cookbook is actually filled with a bunch of our favorite delicacies.
This is a real ad I just saw??? pic.twitter.com/PSBViqd4Cv
— Laura GET RID OF THE NAZIS ✡️ (@petrarchian) May 21, 2020
Divided into three sections — Quickies, Afternoon Delights, and All Nighters — the amount of Jewish baked goods in this book leads me to believe it was written by a very horny Jewish baker with a flare for puns.
Just look at these recipe names!!
Rye’d That D
When I think of rye bread, the first thing that comes to mind is a pastrami sandwich. And when I think about pastrami sandwiches, the first thing that comes to mind is that iconic When Harry Met Sally orgasm scene. Fitting, right? I’m sure Trojan would approve this message: Please don’t fake your orgasms.
Secret ingredient: Ultra Ribbed Condom
Rise and grind time: 1-2 hours
Pump Her Nickel
Pump her? I barely know ‘er! Sorry, I couldn’t resist. Is pumpernickel bread inherently Jewish? Maybe not, but slap some meat, cheese, and sauerkraut on a slice of that bad boy and you’ve got yourself the ultimate (non-kosher) Jewish sandwich — the Reuben. Did you know the iconic dish was born out of a poker game? Learn more about the Reuben’s origin story here.
Secret ingredient: G. Spot Condom
Rise and grind time: 1 hour
This pun was just handed to them, but I have a few alternatives: Stuff Her Pita; Pocket Pita; Kebab Stuffed Pita. Okay, I’m done. This ancient bread that doubles as a utensil has been used “since before the dawn of history,” according to food historian Gil Marks.
A staple in Israel, the Middle East, and literally everywhere else, pita bread is best served fresh out of the oven and stuffed with hummus and scrumptious meats like falafel and shawarma. I’m surprised Trojan missed the opportunity to liken pita bread to a cum rag.
Secret ingredient: G. Spot Condom
Rise and grind time: 1 hour and 10 minutes
Try Everything Once Bagel
Are we past the everything bagel seasoning trend yet? I ask a silly question and get a silly answer — obviously not. Surprisingly, the everything bagel didn’t come from “the old country” like other adored staples. It’s history with Jews actually started around 1980 by accident when a teen working at Charlie’s Bagels in Queens had the brilliant idea to make something out of nothing (or, everything). Using excess toppings that fell off bagels baking in the oven, young David Gussin gathered the seed scraps and voila, the everything bagel was born.
With seeds bound to fly around the kitchen, make sure to use protection a la Trojan. Make sure to virtually flip through the end of Rising Time — there’s a page where a bagel is used to locate the clitoris. Genius.
Secret ingredient: Pleasure Pack
Rise and grind time: 2 hours
Make Her Challah
You can have it in the morning, as an afternoon snack, dinner, or even for a sweet dessert — I’m talking about sex. But also, challah. Nice job on the excellent pun, Trojan! But can’t we make him challah, too?
Secret ingredient: Her Pleasure Ecstasy
Rise and grind time: 4 hours
Big Babka Energy
Trojan’s chocolate babka recipe is much like sex — ooey, gooey, and best washed down with a glass of milk (if I’m not clear, this is a euphemism for cum). Since big dick energy is canceled — size doesn’t matter, apparently — I vote to popularize BBE in place of the controversial description for sexual charisma.
Secret ingredient: Magnum Ribbed
Rise and grind time: 3.5 hours
If Trojan’s campaign was simply a gag and not a fully fleshed out gorgeous book of recipes that promotes safe sex, dayenu. We applaud the condom brand for Rising Time, the innovative cookbook we didn’t know we needed. All we’re missing is babka-flavored condoms.
Now excuse me while I continue my quest to find a nice Jewish boy to Make Me Challah.
Images via Trojan