The little one was “Smalls,” and the big one, naturally, was “Biggie.” I’m talking about my tits, obviously.
Was my lopsided chest the breast of both worlds? Abso-fucking-lutely not. Maintaining the illusion that my breasts — one a B-cup and the other a D-cup — were symmetrical was a full-time job. Forget about wearing backless or low cut shirts, triangle bikinis, and bandeaus — and in the bedroom? Oh boy. Nothing made me more anxious than revealing my mutated body to someone for the first time. The lights always needed to stay off, and if I stayed on top, so did my top.
Even after my breast reduction last year to take Biggie down two sizes, the urge to explain my horrifying body to new partners never went away. I could finally wear low cut shirts, and my self-esteem definitely sky-rocketed, but the scar on my boob was an eye-sore that made me feel like I had some ‘splaining to do. Even though none of my partners ever actually brought up the scar, anxieties about my body have manifested in such a way that I don’t believe I deserve sexual pleasure. Yes, what I am trying to say is that I can never orgasm with my partners.
On Instagram, I run a sex memes account (@whoregasmic) where I teach my followers how to cum — the irony here is not lost on me. But there’s a method to my madness. A sacrificial lamb, I use my insecurities to help people overcome their own, and I do so with comedy, which plenty of other Jews can tell you tends to resonate with the masses. For example, a meme I made poking fun at queefing sparked a conversation that quickly unraveled the taboo that vagina farts are somehow not okay.
This is exactly why I feel a strange kinship with Lil Dicky, Jewish comedic rapper Dave Burd’s stage name. An East Coast Jew (we already have so much in common), Burd, 32, overcame his greatest insecurity — his lil dick — by using it to catapult himself into fame. In Dave, the new FXX show streaming on Hulu that follows an embellished version of Burd’s rise to fame as Lil Dicky, the Jewish rapper uses vulgarity to navigate his vulnerability. In the first episode, Burd shares a theory with his doctor that his “dick is made of balls.” We learn that he was born with a tangled urethra and had to be operated on as a baby — “as a result there’s so much scarring down there” — and he thinks the surgeon borrowed skin from his testicles, which he describes as “chicken-skinned, or ribbed,” to graft onto his testicles.
“Everything I say about my penis on the show is real,” Burd told The New Yorker. “Finally talking about it was like getting a monkey off my back.”
Burd’s strategy for dealing with his demons is what makes him my role model. If you’re confident about your insecurities, like Burd is with his package, they cease to be insecurities. Blemishes are what make us different and unique, but it’s up to us to harness our individuality. Hiding them and blending in is easier, but faking it until you make it pays off — I mean, that’s literally what Lil Dicky did. He believed in himself when no one else did, quitting his job and using his bar mitzvah savings to fund the music video that skyrocketed him to fame (and what I assume is no small fortune).
Like me, but with my tits, Burd’s character in Dave spends “every moment plotting the lighting and angles” to ensure that his girlfriend Ally (Taylor Misiak) never really sees his penis. It’s his “life’s work.” But one scene in the third episode of the series was an incredible breakthrough for Dave and his relationship with Ally — and for me and my relationship with my body.
After Ally asks him to be more open about his sexual desires, Dave tries to dirty talk in bed. While Ally thinks it’s a huge improvement, an avalanche of anxiety prevents Dave from orgasming — stars, they’re just like me! So, he sneaks out of bed to finish off with his “Fuck Me Silly III” torso-less sex doll. Ally finds the doll — “so sex with your human girlfriend is unbearable warfare?” — and Dave is forced to explain that he was “born with a fucked up dick” and there was never a good time to pull her aside and admit that it resembles an “old pile of worms.”
Frustrated, Ally convinces Dave to reveal his package to her. As I watched him pull his pants down begrudgingly, I was so fucking scared, y’all. I knew exactly the painful suspense he felt, and Ally was taking way too long to say something.
“Okay, cool!” she eventually says, her head cocked to the side. “That’s a stand-up boner.” She kisses him and says, “I love you. I love it.”
Her reaction was subpar and upsetting to me. Dave was clearly still upset and it kind of seemed like Ally was lying through her beautiful teeth. But she makes up for it the next day by surprising her boyfriend with his ultimate fantasy: a makeshift milking table (a type of sex furniture).
Ally theorizes that the reason Dave is keen on watching milking porn is because his greatest fear is a woman looking at his penis straight on, and therefore it doubles as his greatest sexual fantasy. This grand act of love of creating a DIY milking table — “Did you hire a Task Rabbit to do this?” — for her boyfriend snapped me out of the disillusion that my breasts somehow need fixing.
I don’t need a second breast reduction surgery for symmetry’s sake. What I need is to listen to more Lil Dicky on repeat and emulate his confidence. He could’ve succumbed to emotional self-castration, but through his stage name, he took a 180 instead.
And hey, maybe if I change my account from @whoregasmic to @whoreunorgasmic, FXX will give me my own show, too.
Image by Ray Mickshaw/FX