American Girl Doll girlies, our time is nigh!
Last week, following the success of “Barbie,” Mattel announced their plan to make a live-action American Girl Doll movie. Naturally, this is huge news for women who were once young girls obsessed with learning about historical tragedies and/or Greek mythology.
But, for Jewish American Girl Doll fans, this also poses an interesting question: Who will play Rebecca Rubin, the Jewish American Girl Doll? (This isn’t meant to erase the newly released Jewish American Girl Dolls from the ’90s, Isabel and Nikki. But odds are any Jewish representation in this movie would come from the more well-known Rebecca.)
That’s where I come in. Hi, I’m Hey Alma associate editor Evelyn Frick! No one asked my opinion, but I am a credentialed Jew and disciple of American Girl Dolls, and I have some thoughts.
So, here are some suggestions for who should play Rebecca Rubin in the American Girl Doll movie, according to me, a Jew:
1. Beanie Feldstein. Some people have baby face. Others have resting bitch face. Beanie Feldstein has doll face. Seriously. I dare you to find me a photo of Beanie in which her expression doesn’t read like she just gave a TED talk about child-like wonder at the Madame Alexander factory. Mr. Mattel, hire this woman immediately and if you don’t, Thu-qut-I-un-uk. Or, as translated from Judeo-Arabic: May your eyeballs burst!
2. Sadie and Sunny Sandler. I’m really taken with the idea of Sadie and Sunny switching out playing the part of Rebecca during filming a la Mary Kate and Ashley Olsen in “Full House.” Sure, I will concede that Sadie and Sunny Sandler aren’t twin toddlers who need to work around child labor laws. But — and hear me out — it would be so funny. Plus, the movie would have double the Jewish star-power. It’s a win-win!
3. Bradley Cooper wearing a prosthetic nose. Lean into it, Brad. This is your thing now.
4. Natasha Lyonne. This would be the gritty version of the American Girl Doll movie. We meet 10-year-old Rebecca, chain-smoking cigarettes, at the docks. It’s 5 a.m. and she’s on her way to her shift at the Triangle Shirtwaist Factory (yes, Rebecca is from 1914 and the factory burned down in 1911 but details, details), but first she has some business to take care of. She’s meeting Benny, a smuggler who promised her some bathtub slivovitz in exchange for a dime she won betting on the ponies on Coney Island. Rebecca might be late for work, but what can you do? This is the only time before Shabbat she can get the slivovitz, and her family needs anything to pass the long, dark Friday night in the tenements. (Especially Mama, who’s nursing a case of Tenement elbow.) But, vas iz das?! Through the fog, Rebecca doesn’t see Benny the Smuggler, but rather the silhouettes of a gang of young girls in period garb…
5. Me! Attention all casting directors: I’m 5 foot 2 inches and a weight that is a number. (When I was 17, my mom asked my pediatrician when I would get taller to which he promptly replied “She won’t.” The moment forever haunts me.) Not to brag, but I also have flat feet. Soooo… I’m basically built like a little doll already. (I did google “american girl doll foot” to confirm their lack of arches and I highly reccommend you don’t do that.) I’d be thrilled to audition for a movie playing any kind of doll: Bratz, Polly Pocket, Haunted Victorian. But playing Rebecca Rubin would be my number one choice! Also fun fact: During college, I studied abroad in Russia — the place Rebecca’s family fled from — and I would be super insufferable about it on set!
6. Not Rachel Brosnahan. God help Paramount Pictures if they pull a Maisel.